Tag: emotions

When lockdown ends

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When lockdown ends
The flowers that have grown on my bedcover
Will crawl back into their still shapes
The grey floor that has stretched into miles
Will squeeze back into the 10×10 room
The hours that have become endless
Will trap themselves inside the watch
When lockdown ends
I’ll come out of a Dali painting

And I’ll ask (perhaps in vain)
Am I still the same?
My mind tends to forget the worst
She keeps me away from my own ghosts
When lockdown ends
Will it make sense, if I find
That in the corners of my mind
Greyish blue patches of memory have disappeared
Forgetfulness spreading like fungus on old bread
Where did the time go?
Where did I?
Where am I?

I might go round in circles
When the lockdown ends
Will I be able to make amends
To those who I might have lost
Might have crossed
Out from my life
When I perhaps dissolved in my endless room
It is the season of doom, after all.

When lockdown ends
I wish for remembrance.

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Paper-thin lies and overcast eyes
I look away from you.
Back when I never thought I’d be here one day
I knew perfectly what I’d do
(In my mind I’d lived so many lives
But I didn’t really, did I?)
I could throw my arms and bawl
Act as if I’d lost it all
“How could you do this to me?”
I could curse you a thousand times.
Or I could be cool and quiet
Keep my self-respect and pride
Leave you in a moment, and say,
“I hope you are worth her pain.”
I could even keep a straight face.
Before we part our ways,
We might even promise to stay friends.
 
Your paper-thin lies and my overcast eyes
I look away from you.
I do nothing really, I’ve turned to stone
I am not surprised, I had always known.
How foolish of me to fancy
That I’ll be someone’s home.
 

What will my heart hold

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Photo by Aidan Roof on Pexels.com





What will my heart hold?
I remember I was once told
“Keep your loved ones-
Parents, lovers, daughters and sons
Treasured inside your heart, like precious stones;
Miles may spring up between you,
But you’ll never be alone.”
 
I wanted my heart to start
To feel like a home
I rearranged bits and pieces inside
I tried so hard that I cried
While I covered up the dark corners
I looked at my heart and I adorned her.
My heart remained cold nonetheless
I almost lost all hope and became a mess.
 
There was once again springtime
Beautiful purple flowers coiled around telephone lines
I felt that the universe wished me well
I remade my heart into a hotel.
Visitors who were always welcome
Never overstayed their sojourn
I had to happily wave them goodbye
I didn’t mean to, did I?

I was sick of my heart so much
I was sick of company, I was sick of touch
Words crawling out of every corner in the room
Was I sure I’d be fine soon?
I turned my heart into a hospital cabin
Breathe in, breathe out, keep breathing
Loneliness spread like a disease in me
In my white bed I dreamt of setting free.
 
But my heart is now a graveyard.
What will my heart hold? I ask
And I answer it myself,
It’ll hold nothing that isn’t meant to be lost
It’ll hold no one who isn’t meant to be gone
Even if I long to treasure my loved ones
I will be alone.

	


				
	






	
	

			


	
					

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1
It’s a valley of baby-pink bougainvilleas
We’re little girls spreading our little wings
Running after each other
Colourman O Colourman, which colour do you choose?
I choose you, perhaps I whisper to myself,
I will always choose you.
Our love will blossom as we hold our hands
Ring a ring o’ roses
My rosy cheeks, your dusky grin
Aren’t we the best?
I’ll go after you, run, run
It’s a valley of red roses
I’ve plucked all the thorns,
Love will come to you
Like a soft petal closing your eyelids
Love will come to us
We will be the queens of the world
We need no one
Aren’t we the best?
As the branches grow pink, I blush too
I love you, I love you.
 
2
The earth smells like you
I run my fingers through the leaves of the potted plant
There are no flowers today,
You were running your fingers through the sand
There were no seashells that day
You were smiling as ever,
The sunlight gliding off your skin like oil
I tied my heart to the waves of your hair
The waves made me fall on your shoulder in a giant splash
I didn’t need the sea to fall for you, but I wonder
Who did you fall for?
I called you a mermaid and you braided my hair with flowers
I called you a fairy
Your laughter still ringing in my ears
It has been years.
I found a tiny bud in the plant
A single dewdrop on it
Perhaps that rolled down my cheek.
The earth smells like you today
But I couldn’t be the plant
Rooted in you.
Some dreams, or most, don’t come true. 

	


				
	






	
	

		
Forget
	


	
					

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Forgetting is silly
When you keep echoing 
What’s-it-called what’s-his-name what-was-I-saying
In every conversation once twice thrice
But it’s all nice
Nobody minds it, really
You might forget who you met
(Maybe it was someone not that great)
Or the name of the person you’re talking to
And cover it up with a smile or two;

Forgetting is nonchalance
A disrespectful indifference, a lack of sense
When you fail to do what they asked of you
Simply because you didn’t remember to
An irresponsible fool
Who agrees to 
Run errands, and evades doing them
It’s natural that you’re to blame;

Forgetting is confusion
A blurring of your youthful vision
When you can’t remember 
The goals that centre
Your lousy little life-
What to live for, what to live by?
Jumbled up to-do lists and half-done work
Failing to pick up where you left off.

Forgetting is absolutely wretched
It may fill you with a blunt dread
When you can’t remember 
What the hell is supposed to make you feel
Something. Nothing? Anything!-
To make you dance, to make you sing
There’ll be something that you can almost feel
But you might just forget what it is.

Forgetting, I say, is worse than loss.
Forget me not, forget me not.






	


				
	






	
	

		
Home
	


	
					

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“Who will be my home?”
Everyone looks outside the window and asks.
But I can’t remember what a home is,
Is it my mind, my body, my family, my city, my country?
I’ve been a stranger everywhere,
Often enough to ask like a little child
What is a home?
Home is the person you love, they say,
The person you return to after a day of rain and hailstorms,
The arms you hide inside when the world comes out to swallow you whole.
It’s not that I don’t know what a home is
I can’t feel it.
All I can understand with my massive joke of a brain
Are stories.
You and I, we’re stories, we’ve always been
Some are more than that, they are dreams.
Therefore I’ve stopped searching for a home
(After years of walking along aimless alleys and lanes which lead nowhere)
I’ll start stringing words and actions into tales
Only hoping they’ll connect me to a story that I can call mine
So the next time I put on sad, soothing music
And look out of the window
I’ll ask
“Who will be my story?”

	


				
	






	
	

		
Daughter
	


	
					

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I don’t know what it is to be a daughter
They say that blood runs thicker than water
But why is it that I feel no ties?
I look at my mother and I see it in her eyes
The pure, unconditional love she bears
I know ‘motherhood’ has been glorified for years
Their sacrifices becoming not a choice but a consequence.
Yet unmistakably I’ve seen love in her, hence
Her love must make me a daughter?
There have been days when I have thought her
Love for me was misplaced, a mistake
Because despite my desire to reciprocate
I’ve let my heart be an impassive stone
Despite her love, I have felt alone.
My father does listen to what I have to say
But smiles at my concerns, at the end of the day
I’m not the older son whose advice holds sway
And not until my brother had to move away
Did I become my father’s right hand
Despite a daughter, (almost) a dependable young ‘man’.
I was twelve when one day I served him tea
Without being asked to, and he
Smiled sweetly and said “It’s great
You’re finally learning how a daughter should behave.”
What it is to be a daughter I don’t know yet
I’m putting together pieces from the society’s set
Of rules and do’s and don’ts I can find
So that one day I can have my peace of mind.

	


				
	






	
	

		
Will you be mine to keep?
	


	
					

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I’m well aware of the stupidity of ‘falling in love’
Text, talk, date and mutual disappointments-
We’ve all been there, done that.
This time, let’s go all the long way to forever
I’m tired of having to stitch my heart again on my sleeves, love,
I’m too tired to mope around and weep,
Look at my eyes while I ask with a smile,
Will you be mine to keep?
 
If you wish so
I’ll take a break from my prosaic presence.
Let me whisper into your ears-
 
Oh my dear, you’re a sacred dream
The only God at my altar, my only King,
The strength of your ardent soul’s embrace
Exhilarates me in unspeakable ways.
Your smouldering eyes beckon me to stare
We look deep in our hearts, and our souls are laid bare.
Roses bloom as our fingers intertwine,
I become yours and you become mine-
 
Or, wait, are you too smart for my art?
Or too broken perhaps.
Sweet words sound soothing,
But I know too well, don't I?
How swiftly they lose their sweetness
And turn into twisted jokes,
Reverberating in the empty chambers of the heart at 3 a.m.
When I end up inevitably alone
When the darkness is quiet, and everyone’s long gone
Only the moon shining down on me through the window
Softly caressing me and my pain.
So, I ask again,
Before I tie up my heart and lock it to sleep,
Will you love me whole,
Will you be mine to keep?






	


				
	






	
	

		
A lover’s promise
	


	
					

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Last night I held you in my arms
Your warmth felt like a thousand suns
You bared your heart right into mine
My breath just stopped, and so did time.

The words you spoke were songs to me
They calmed me like a lullaby
Your laughter rang like jingling bells
I gave in to your charming spell

You touched me and I dreamed again
I felt as free as pouring rain
Falling from up high above
Falling hard, for you, my love

I took a breath and smelled the sea
Your stormy soul was calling me
I lost my way among the waves
You found me and you saved the day

We locked our lips, a feast began
Of each delight that’s known to man
Fresh new buds bloomed within
An homage to Original Sin

You’re made of stardust and the sky
You’re the Beauty in my eyes
You’ve bared your heart right into mine,
I’ll be yours till the end of time.
	


				
	






	
	

		
Muse unknown
	


	
					

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I see you but I know you not
Yet I find you in my thoughts
Your lotus eyes look so surprised
Every time they lock with mine.





I strike a pose of nonchalance
While I’d really like some chance
To talk to you, to know you more
To steal a glimpse into your soul.





Do you see me as I see you?
Would you speak, if I wanted to?
I guess I shall never know
You’ll always be my Muse unknown.