What happens to girls who never grow strong
Trees not hardened but rotting away
Beauty dissolving with pain, arid and stripped of music
What happens to women who need men to kiss them
Fool them into reassurance
They're still lovely, still beautiful
And it does not matter if they're ghost-images
Of their mothers who forgot to shout
Or sisters who could never be tired
What happens to people who never quieten their minds
Gritty dirt clogging every channel in their brains
Sweet radio static a dream
Skilled at muffling all screams
What happens to us who can't roll their mouths into confident spells
Us who are selfish sufferers
You who is cruel to yourself and everyone you love
Me who is everything you ask me not to be
What happens at the end?
Can we not bargain?
Dry kisses for you in a collage of lies
That's all I can offer for now
Until I know what happens at the end
Until you tell me
How to live with my pain.
What is your problem?
He asks.
She looks at me in mourning
I feel the hurtful guilt churning
Is it my belly or my fate?
I say, I am so full of hate.
I have never loved any of you
Which girl doesn't love her own?
I have never loved, never will. I am not human
Like the rest of you
Like the most of you
I am dying like a star because my love ran out
Droplet by droplet
My laptop blinks. It's getting old
I am happy. It feels human, like a pet
My laptop talks back
You're not human, you're so full of hate
Where do I go with this black hole heart?
I die for love
I die again
My laptop mocks my static brain
Our visions get so blurred.
A kind word from a stranger
And she cries like a baby.
She'd chewed her heart and spat it out
Many moons ago, when she did not know her name
Unseen, unheard, unknown, unloved
She could have run away.
A little lady, a wholesome man
Or some teenage lovebirds holding hands
And she cries like a baby
How did a heart grow again?
Days peel off smoothly enough
She smiles at unimportant joys
I marvel at her maddening beauty
She charms me with her muslin voice
I take her hand,
I plant a kiss, gently
She cries like a baby
And I find my heart again
We water our hearts reborn, soaking in the purest rain.
I earmark this happiness for another day
I chew my fruits in measured joy
This afternoon
She learns about the cadence of my voice
As I tell her about you
She laughs, I laugh, we dance around
Our earphones get jumbled in unmeasured sounds
I wish I weren't so happy. What if it exhausts itself?
She asks me about the new one I met
But I earmark my happiness for another day
They're no big deal, of course, I scoff
She hears my high pitched squeals unhidden
Grins at feigned indifference
Does she know what I think I am scared of?
We recall the artists we followed like dogs
They're faded, we have new art to consume
She gives me more of art and poetry
We link our worlds
We stay in our rooms
She says she has found the perfect face
To wear when she meets the world
I applaud her ruse. She's so clever,
She's just the perfect girl, I think
She breathes a pause and asks me why
I keep back all my joy
She won't understand but I tell her.
She tells me she too can't sleep a wink
If she's too happy, she gets too sad
Do I think that she's gone mad?
I cannot laugh, I can't even cry
She knows what my heart means!
We earmark happiness for days to come
We're such anxious little lovely beings.
Under the sky before the streetlights smile
And I have to cover up my thoughts
Under the lukewarm love of our promises unworded
Unimagined, yet
Sing me the song I hum to you
Sing it back in your pebble-honey voice
How long will you make me wait?
I’m listening, waiting
Intently
Give me life
Drop by drop.
My ears tingle as I wait
For you, for you. For you to sing
And mean it.
Do you mean it? -Four words
That destroy the language coded by
Three other words:
I love you.
A man who loves to read poetry
Can be nothing like it
A mother may not be a mother
A promise, not secure.
Anything can be any other thing
So we say “usually”
We say “of course, not always”
They say, “statistically”.
I say, “maybe
It was the idea of you
That sat on my heart
Heavy”
You were nothing like you.
Was I at all like me?
I have always been this age, girls.
Hasn’t my hair always been this long?
Your skin always this honey warm
And yours, butter soft?
His face? Always impressive
Beyond all right and wrong.
I have always been inside this room
Memories float, mirage
I may be forgetful but there are souls I’ve touched
Haven’t I? I didn’t keep a watch.
Palls of déjà vu, I shudder
How could this be true?
I have always been inside this room,
Stranger,
How did I meet you?
She is burying her heart deep in her sleep
Stop her, stop her
She is unwomanly in her grave
Just because she's heartless, she cannot be called brave.
I used to see her awake at night
Eyes sparkling
Mind meandering inside waves of words
She read and read until she forgot to write
And I lost interest
There was no food to eat or clothes to fold
Not even movies to watch
I was away, for a while
Now I've come back
Now I've seen many like her
Exact copies
Cropped hair, tanned skin, eyes like pearls
The ones who forgot how to be girls
Teach them how to pose, to act
Won't you? Won't you?
She looks at me with eyes erased
My words have no power,
My love has no strength
I try to return
To see her
So she'll see me
But the nights sigh away, in vain
She throws dust upon herself, numb
I wonder if these things can be undone.
Couldn't you buy yourself hearts?
With money?
I never had any, I only had eyes.
Even then I haven't been very wise
Will she change and rise undead,
Or rest forever in her premature grave?
He throws a ball at me
I let it drop
The birds sing for some time until the leaves turn dark
It's been years, we've been apart
His smile sits on his face
Exactly as it was
When I was in love with him a decade ago.
I've never meant to be anything more
But we still end up here
Under the tree, our bicycles long gone
He's proud of his wife, she's giving him a son
I could show him the letters I wrote
I could show him what he doesn't know
Ah, it was too long ago.
The night sky purples
As I sit with him, our cigarettes lit
He's still dribbling, talking about the friends we've lost
Talking about how I haven't changed almost
And I ask the moon, is this it?
I've lied to my lover but I love him enough
I'm tied to you, who would've broken my heart
Who says it's been years we've stayed apart?
I remember you, all the time
When the days are shapeless
Rain falling lonely on a little puddle
A man walking home to his bed
I remember how you said
Nothing.
Nothing when I loved you, quiet
Not a word when I stroked your hair
I remember everything you didn't say or do
I remember everything else about you
I remember you because you're not there.
The rain falls harder and the puddle overspills
I never said I loved you, and I never will
Perhaps I didn't
Perhaps you know that too
I remember when you left one day
Smiling, "See you soon."
mimimusing 