He throws a ball at me
I let it drop
The birds sing for some time until the leaves turn dark
It's been years, we've been apart
His smile sits on his face
Exactly as it was
When I was in love with him a decade ago.
I've never meant to be anything more
But we still end up here
Under the tree, our bicycles long gone
He's proud of his wife, she's giving him a son
I could show him the letters I wrote
I could show him what he doesn't know
Ah, it was too long ago.
The night sky purples
As I sit with him, our cigarettes lit
He's still dribbling, talking about the friends we've lost
Talking about how I haven't changed almost
And I ask the moon, is this it?
I've lied to my lover but I love him enough
I'm tied to you, who would've broken my heart
Who says it's been years we've stayed apart?
I remember you, all the time
When the days are shapeless
Rain falling lonely on a little puddle
A man walking home to his bed
I remember how you said
Nothing.
Nothing when I loved you, quiet
Not a word when I stroked your hair
I remember everything you didn't say or do
I remember everything else about you
I remember you because you're not there.
The rain falls harder and the puddle overspills
I never said I loved you, and I never will
Perhaps I didn't
Perhaps you know that too
I remember when you left one day
Smiling, "See you soon."
Violent colours dancing on your face
I watch from afar
I look away
Violent colours stabbing my heart
The leaves are swaying
Hair strands gripped on to your sweaty face
I remember your anecdotes
I remember you doted on me
I remember it all
How did I have no eyes back then?
The poets and singers lament my foolishness
He is standing next to you
My stomach is upset with rage
As he removes the silk strands from your face
I mourn our days
Sunlight leaking through leaves
My once-negligent heart now twisting and turning
Oh what I wouldn’t give now
To have it all back
I look at my palms and I look at your face
You and your new friend begin to move away
I am empty with a shell for a heart,
Cursing myself for letting you go
Wondering about how could I not know
I cannot bear staying apart.
He was singing with sleep in his mouth
My head was full of waking dreams
Our arms melted into skin in love
My sleeplessness was soothed by it
I asked him who he was
He said he has always been,
Sometimes the drop of yellow paint
On the dusky city sky
Sometimes a bubble of nostalgia
Of familiar roads I pass by
Sometimes nothing more
Than a ray of hope
That there will be another day
Or maybe a poem I wrote
Thinking about things adore
Or complaining about those I hate
He sang to me until I fell asleep
Blessed me with dreams to dream
I don't know who he is or will be
I know he will give me wings
The dead Shiuli tree stands like a grave
Mourning its unborn flowers.
I hated picking them up every morning
From our little backyard soil
During Durga Puja
The air hung heavy with the sweet scent
While ants crawled up my feet
Mosquitoes feasted on my flesh
But once my basket was full
I'd stare at their beauty
The little white flowers
Throbbing with their little saffron hearts
Sang of a time
Calmer and earthy
A time of faith in a goddess
With as many as ten hands
To defeat evil
A celebration danced with
Beats of the dhaak.
Now my hands are full
With questions and silences
I want a basket to hold
To rush through the new Puja magazine
To breathe in the fragrant breeze.
The flowers have dropped
Through the emptiness between my fingers
The colours have faded
Before my overworked eyes.
The storm took away the tree one night
And left me stranded
With the dead arms of a broken tree
Wailing for a hug;
Now I'm grieving something
I never thought I cared for.
Mellowing in memories of the past
I shut my eyes of today
I hope for nothing more.
mimimusing 