I need you to pick my brain
Leave my heart alone
Let me speak rivers of wit and scorn
And love and poetry
Everything I'm capable of
Let me never stop
Lend your ear to me, forever
I'll leave your heart alone.
Take me with you wherever you go
Inside the alleys of your mind
Inside the realms where you hide
I'll let you speak until your voice scrubs off your tongue
I'm here, I'll be here
Every word you speak I'll steal and store inside my soul.
If you hadn't been a poet or a scientist
If you hadn't been the man you are
I would have tossed your words away
Forgotten your name
Your face
But you picked my brain tonight
I've got a taste of it now.
Hunger has never been more romantic,
It's amazing how I want to be your disciple
And lover
All at once
Perhaps I can't leave your heart alone after all
It's already said and done
The moon sleeps in the sky with clouds of gray
You and I lie awake
Biting into our dreams and thoughts
Will you leave my heart alone?
I think
(I hope)
You will not.
I wish you weren't flimsy
Like the newspaper bit I picked up and scrunched into a ball
And threw away
I wish I could kiss you and the stain would stay.
Your words are mineral oildrops
They perfume my hair
And damage it
I dig graves to look for suppleness and return with bare hands
Why couldn't you be of soft clay?
I'd sculpt every bit of you into a god
Give you everything I can imagine
I'd learn your favourite language and sing you songs
If you were sincere I would never have let you forget me.
You're not,
And you don't even know.
I wish you were everything you're not
Can't you see I'm tired of looking for him?
I kiss you and wish my lips were ash
I love you and I keep coming back
One day, one day you'll be him
Won't you?
I'll keep coming back
Until I find him. For once.
I write out my soul onto your ragged paper heart
You give it away next morning to ten other women
I write myself onto you again
And again
I kiss you for others to wipe it off
You stay a stone statue with words too perfectly carved
I stay a girl looking for love
Until I find it
I wait
I see through you but I can't not stay.
What is your problem?
He asks.
She looks at me in mourning
I feel the hurtful guilt churning
Is it my belly or my fate?
I say, I am so full of hate.
I have never loved any of you
Which girl doesn't love her own?
I have never loved, never will. I am not human
Like the rest of you
Like the most of you
I am dying like a star because my love ran out
Droplet by droplet
My laptop blinks. It's getting old
I am happy. It feels human, like a pet
My laptop talks back
You're not human, you're so full of hate
Where do I go with this black hole heart?
I die for love
I die again
My laptop mocks my static brain
Our visions get so blurred.
The summer stops to ask me if I want to be warmer
I say, "No."
It soothes into spring
I lie down in a flowerbed. I dream of him
Again.
Eras and worlds intertwine
Our fates erupt and converge
I dream of the stories I shall never live
I have never lived, yet. I haven't seen the world.
The flowers dry up and my eyes are heavy
How much can a girl sleep, after all?
It's already winter. No one asked me if I want to be cold
I sit up, shivering. No more dreams to unfold
The sun falls asleep on my skin
Soft and homely, like a friendly cat
I like the winter. I like this cold.
They who have known my heart
Arrive with buckets of sweets, I could cry
Overjoyed with the love I hold
I am so happy. I have new dreams to dream
A new spring. It's time to go.
Out of sight, out of mind
Out of dreams
Yet you keep coming back
In between.
Meanwhile, I've never grown up
I like the wooden benches as if they are things to be loved
Time is only present and nothing beyond
You are there, to be loved
And lost
I am there, I don't wish I am not.
Were we affectionate, like we could have been?
But I loved you so, if only
You could have seen. If only, if ever.
Some regrets last forever
Did I promise to name my child after your favourite hero
Did you promise me you'll go wherever I go?
I know we did not,
I never thought we needed to promise
My small mind never looked past the present,
Naïve enough to think we would always be.
That's what little girls think,
That's what big girls dream.
A thousand ghosts look like you
I dream of them, and I don't know how to stop
You have died long ago, it seems
It's not really you, in my dreams
Yet, out of sight, not out of mind
You crop up in between.
The pots and pans clank in the sink
I cover my eyes as they shout
I forget to shut my ears, so silly.
The TV is still muted, I think.
She sobs,
I saw through you as you saw through me
Darkness wobbling in a poisonous well
We jumped, shrieking
Our hearts were breaking
The sun cracked apart as we fell.
We've turned invisible now,
Our graves are murky, reflecting hate
Did you see through me as I saw through you?
Some things are best left to fate.
And I hear him growl,
I've loved you as best I could
Wouldn't you have done the same?
Did we not think this through, should we not have broken shells?
Time ties me down, I can't grow up
Alas, I have grown too much
We're stuck wishing we were free tomorrow.
How can we live in blackened earth?
I lift my eyelids, I've heard it all
The show goes on as the TV glows
I look for the remote, unmute it.
Perfect.
I really like the background song.
I try so hard to be happy.
My hands tremble,
I want to be firm
Thunderstorms have left behind debris
I stand with a flower (which you didn't bring me)
And I try so hard to be happy.
I etch lines inside my mind
It bleeds, I smile;
The bleeding stops, it clots
What a waste of time
And another day goes by
I stand with the flower
Anxious
It shall wilt soon.
If the bleeding resumes
Will the flower stay alive?
Does it know, I try so hard to be happy?
I try so hard to smile.
II
I hide in her room
She breaks my bones
I cope with her losses, she sobs with her soul
Isn't it funny? How you love me so well
I've been here forever and I see you fail
We're reeling in memories
And images conjured
Forehead to forehead
With nowhere to go.
III
Once it's all said and done
Do I fumble for your hands?
I have done what I can, and I lost
I always think of the worst.
My dreams are clouded again
She laughs at me, cold
He texts me "bye."
I misread it: "hello!"
And then I wake up, with nowhere to go.
Why do I have to remember
All the lies we shared?
Friends come and go,
But some of them stare at me
Even as I die
I never could look away,
Fixated by their eyes.
Under the sky before the streetlights smile
And I have to cover up my thoughts
Under the lukewarm love of our promises unworded
Unimagined, yet
Sing me the song I hum to you
Sing it back in your pebble-honey voice
How long will you make me wait?
I’m listening, waiting
Intently
Give me life
Drop by drop.
My ears tingle as I wait
For you, for you. For you to sing
And mean it.
Do you mean it? -Four words
That destroy the language coded by
Three other words:
I love you.
Draw me my smile
Go ahead
In the book you wrote about me
I searched for it, like a crazy scientist,
Where is my smile?
Where is the soul of mine it carries?
You’ve caught every curve of my body
Every scent of my skin
All the blemishes and patches
And darknesses unseen
But you haven’t held my smile.
I can draw you your smile but I will know that it’s fake
You’ve never been bold enough
To show me your mistakes
You’ve never smiled at me. Not with your soul
You’ve grinned at me, winked, I’ve seen it all
But we’ve never known each other;
We don’t know our smiles
I couldn’t be yours because you couldn’t be mine.
I ask my mother, where do I find
A kind man, soft and strong?
She nods
I frown
We cut vegetables till the sun goes down
She worries about me as much as I have given up worrying about myself
I leave everything unsaid
She asks,
When will you grow up?
I grew up too soon, I wish I could say.
I wish I could make wishes, I think to myself
But it’s already dark and her back hurts
I lie down with her, turn on the TV
Why keep thinking about what could and could not be?
I overpour ketchup and ruin my fries
She asks again,
When will you grow up?
Never, I smile.
Don’t you know? Mothers and daughters
They have the same lives;
All we know is to worry and to love
All we know is we’re never enough.
mimimusing 