Because you looked at me
Ran your fingers through my hair
I am here
I am here, and I will be
Forever looking at you
Hoping you’d look at me
Again
I stand in a sari much like the one you wore
The day we first met.
Can’t you see? You are larger
Than the man who clasps your waist
Like a brand new gadget
If you could hear me, you’d laugh
“Such a trendy simile!”
Please, laugh
I wish you’d laugh at me.
I fear I’ll forget your smile some day
You will forget my jokes, too
And I’ll stay here dressing up like you
Mourning your sharp smile and kind soul
And your beautiful eyes, blind
I wish we could meet again
For the very first time.
Draw me my smile
Go ahead
In the book you wrote about me
I searched for it, like a crazy scientist,
Where is my smile?
Where is the soul of mine it carries?
You’ve caught every curve of my body
Every scent of my skin
All the blemishes and patches
And darknesses unseen
But you haven’t held my smile.
I can draw you your smile but I will know that it’s fake
You’ve never been bold enough
To show me your mistakes
You’ve never smiled at me. Not with your soul
You’ve grinned at me, winked, I’ve seen it all
But we’ve never known each other;
We don’t know our smiles
I couldn’t be yours because you couldn’t be mine.
1
Ease me, don't tease me
Quantify your love aloud for buckets to fill
Prodding my sharp doubts I incise into your soft corners
But, if you don't appease me, who will?
I soaked myself in rain
Muddy glory, sensuous in petrichor spark
Your breath seemed fresh when we kissed
I buried my hand inside your lungs
To throw out all the hurt, disease,
You smoked into the air in rings
Red. Love. Passion.
Are you scared of my obsession?
Alas, we had come so far.
2
I love you so much it breaks my heart into glass dust on the shore
The music stops, suddenly
I am so bone-haggard, alone, termite hollow and sick
Bereft of you, my love, I waste away into dust
I love you knowing you cannot return
I sealed our fate as we sealed our lips
Cold blues rippled on your face as I refused your kiss
I hate you, I'd said, and you believed my words
I'd pictured pain but it turned out worse.
3
Grieve the skin that has burnt in black
New flesh takes over, you say
Rapid and anxious
Pink and glowing in health
Won't you grieve what smoked and peeled?
It was you, too
Even if it was brief
Skin cells now turned to dust, broomed away
Such pain
I must grieve the skin you'd set ablaze,
So I can let it be replaced
Can we not begin again?
1
She's shaking in her teenage tears
Life is waiting with its claws
I'm looking, it's not perverse really
Just breaking the fourth wall
Instant gratification grips us
Ten thousand kisses inside a group chat
But the kisses are so small
She's wondering where she can go wrong
Sifting crowds for lessons to learn from
It's scary and exciting,
She is meant to fall
I smirk at this, I'm such a cynic
It's so clichéd, not even thrilling
Keep crying, doll.
2
Where is the little man who fell in love with me?
I was stuck with him, playing the lover
Returning his kisses with my cold lips, barren
I couldn’t love him as long as I was sober
He didn’t complain once, not even a little.
I needed to be the silhouette woman
“She was too hard to keep”
I laughed (and then cried) when I left him,
When he said he needed me
Where are you, my little man?
With your songs and letters and eyes of sheep?
Here I am, a little woman (surprise)
But you have no more love to give.
I'm singing in the shower
Waiting for the hours
To pass me by
I would've brought you flowers
If this love had been ours
But you're not mine.
Oh,
And I don't know what to say
You're gonna fade away
So soon,
So soon
I'll love you anyway
But you're not here to stay
My moon,
My moon...
Tell me why I cried for your arms
Tell me why I'm begging for your love
Tell me how I'll live a broken life
Tell me how the hours will pass me by
Without you,
Without you.
I'm still singing in the shower
My breath turning sour
This love couldn't be ours,
And that is life.
“Take off my glasses My eyes will hold your gaze We both know it’s been ages But it’s not about the days That are gone; it’s only about you, About us, and your shy confidence, My bewilderment at your beauty, My love for you, which had no ends But which carried on in sorrow – I have loved you still, as I did Yesterday, and will, tomorrow.”
Once I thought I’d tell you this (Years later, when we meet again) When I’d known you’d never be mine And wrote these verses in my pain.
Do you remember me, as I remember you? However, I won’t pretend, I know it’s not true- I remember only what I thought you were, My infatuating dream, The boy with sharp eyes and untidy hair- You were more than him.
You had your flaws and a snobbish air But of course I didn’t care You talked to me once and I flew high I never even questioned why- You were the supreme, You were my dream.
I know you’re not the dream I built You’re just some pretty guy who’s smart But what you made me feel sometime Is what told me I had a heart.
I may say that I know you.
But how could I?
When you have woven not walls I might climb
But long labyrinths coiled
Around yourself
There are a thousand and fifty one ways
But none of them reach your heart
Fresh fortresses at the end of every path I seek
The heaviness of the doors makes my heart sink.
When we speak not of the dreamy sunsets
But of the beauty of our shadows
Elongating in tune with the length of our conversations
On the steps of the river bank,
You smile with your endless eyes
I feel, a door has opened.
Yet the moment next,
The door disappears, leaving its shadow behind
I keep running after shadows.
I hold your hand sometimes
Will you ever squeeze it back?
You smile at me,
And I cannot think of anything else
For hours on end.
When I'm alone at nightfall
I replay your smile in my head
Clutching at a fleeting image
Lest it should turn to smoke.
Perhaps it's useless to hope.
I labelled the unnamed longing in my heart
The Gross Over-expectations of Romance.
(Alternately,
The Downside of Being
A Clichéd Hopeless Romantic?)
When I stopped mid-sentence
Telling you about my
Better-than-the-average day,
You brought your empty eyes back to life.
Maybe you try too hard to mask them
For my sake, as a friend.
The myriad ways I try to reach you
Are always destined only to my broken heart.
I may say that I know you
But how could I
When you haven't truly
Given me the right?
Paper-thin lies and overcast eyes
I look away from you.
Back when I never thought I’d be here one day
I knew perfectly what I’d do
(In my mind I’d lived so many lives
But I didn’t really, did I?)
I could throw my arms and bawl
Act as if I’d lost it all
“How could you do this to me?”
I could curse you a thousand times.
Or I could be cool and quiet
Keep my self-respect and pride
Leave you in a moment, and say,
“I hope you are worth her pain.”
I could even keep a straight face.
Before we part our ways,
We might even promise to stay friends.
Your paper-thin lies and my overcast eyes
I look away from you.
I do nothing really, I’ve turned to stone
I am not surprised, I had always known.
How foolish of me to fancy
That I’ll be someone’s home.
What will my heart hold?
I remember I was once told
“Keep your loved ones-
Parents, lovers, daughters and sons
Treasured inside your heart, like precious stones;
Miles may spring up between you,
But you’ll never be alone.”
I wanted my heart to start
To feel like a home
I rearranged bits and pieces inside
I tried so hard that I cried
While I covered up the dark corners
I looked at my heart and I adorned her.
My heart remained cold nonetheless
I almost lost all hope and became a mess.
There was once again springtime
Beautiful purple flowers coiled around telephone lines
I felt that the universe wished me well
I remade my heart into a hotel.
Visitors who were always welcome
Never overstayed their sojourn
I had to happily wave them goodbye
I didn’t mean to, did I?
I was sick of my heart so much
I was sick of company, I was sick of touch
Words crawling out of every corner in the room
Was I sure I’d be fine soon?
I turned my heart into a hospital cabin
Breathe in, breathe out, keep breathing
Loneliness spread like a disease in me
In my white bed I dreamt of setting free.
But my heart is now a graveyard.
What will my heart hold? I ask
And I answer it myself,
It’ll hold nothing that isn’t meant to be lost
It’ll hold no one who isn’t meant to be gone
Even if I long to treasure my loved ones
I will be alone.
1 It’s a valley of baby-pink bougainvilleas We’re little girls spreading our little wings Running after each other Colourman O Colourman, which colour do you choose? I choose you, perhaps I whisper to myself, I will always choose you. Our love will blossom as we hold our hands Ring a ring o’ roses My rosy cheeks, your dusky grin Aren’t we the best? I’ll go after you, run, run It’s a valley of red roses I’ve plucked all the thorns, Love will come to you Like a soft petal closing your eyelids Love will come to us We will be the queens of the world We need no one Aren’t we the best? As the branches grow pink, I blush too I love you, I love you.
2 The earth smells like you I run my fingers through the leaves of the potted plant There are no flowers today, You were running your fingers through the sand There were no seashells that day You were smiling as ever, The sunlight gliding off your skin like oil I tied my heart to the waves of your hair The waves made me fall on your shoulder in a giant splash I didn’t need the sea to fall for you, but I wonder Who did you fall for? I called you a mermaid and you braided my hair with flowers I called you a fairy Your laughter still ringing in my ears It has been years. I found a tiny bud in the plant A single dewdrop on it Perhaps that rolled down my cheek. The earth smells like you today But I couldn’t be the plant Rooted in you. Some dreams, or most, don’t come true.
mimimusing 