Because you looked at me
Ran your fingers through my hair
I am here
I am here, and I will be
Forever looking at you
Hoping you’d look at me
Again
I stand in a sari much like the one you wore
The day we first met.
Can’t you see? You are larger
Than the man who clasps your waist
Like a brand new gadget
If you could hear me, you’d laugh
“Such a trendy simile!”
Please, laugh
I wish you’d laugh at me.
I fear I’ll forget your smile some day
You will forget my jokes, too
And I’ll stay here dressing up like you
Mourning your sharp smile and kind soul
And your beautiful eyes, blind
I wish we could meet again
For the very first time.
Draw me my smile
Go ahead
In the book you wrote about me
I searched for it, like a crazy scientist,
Where is my smile?
Where is the soul of mine it carries?
You’ve caught every curve of my body
Every scent of my skin
All the blemishes and patches
And darknesses unseen
But you haven’t held my smile.
I can draw you your smile but I will know that it’s fake
You’ve never been bold enough
To show me your mistakes
You’ve never smiled at me. Not with your soul
You’ve grinned at me, winked, I’ve seen it all
But we’ve never known each other;
We don’t know our smiles
I couldn’t be yours because you couldn’t be mine.
He throws a ball at me
I let it drop
The birds sing for some time until the leaves turn dark
It's been years, we've been apart
His smile sits on his face
Exactly as it was
When I was in love with him a decade ago.
I've never meant to be anything more
But we still end up here
Under the tree, our bicycles long gone
He's proud of his wife, she's giving him a son
I could show him the letters I wrote
I could show him what he doesn't know
Ah, it was too long ago.
The night sky purples
As I sit with him, our cigarettes lit
He's still dribbling, talking about the friends we've lost
Talking about how I haven't changed almost
And I ask the moon, is this it?
I've lied to my lover but I love him enough
I'm tied to you, who would've broken my heart
Who says it's been years we've stayed apart?
Oh yellow child basking in my winter warmth I spare you my coarse unhappiness I'm all smiles, all laughter, all joy Never meaning anything beyond the passage of time Take my hand, we shall walk for now The afternoon is dying around us My yellow child of joy I steal your kisses and save them in envelopes My bookshelf smells of golden love now Every other novel inside clasps your sweet nothings. I feign reading the letters and dissolve into daydreaming Of you, my yellow boy We're not children But oh, we are There's nothing more innocent than my hand clumped in yours We're running now, leaving houses and streetlights behind We'll run away some day I'll turn red in a distant shame Our twilight beauty will melt everyone's hearts into water At last, nothing else shall matter.
It was only a dream You had only stopped once A glance that asked, are you alright? I could've stopped at no But I spoke for ten minutes straight Words gushing out of my lips Making them busy To forget that I can't kiss you, yet A smile danced on your face My complaints amused you, didn't they? If it were a different city afternoon A different sky A different room and a different dress I would've been angry At a man laughing at a rambling woman Instead I fell in love How did I die for an insolent grin? You made it worse A light touch of your brown fingers On my restless hands You tried to stop me but you only made me race I can't forget your face I want to chew your brain alive I want to wipe off your smirk with my lipstick I want to grab your hair and shake you until you love me back But it was only a dream, I promise, And if you ask me if I'm alright What can I do but say yes and smile?
As the nights grow cold I plunge myself into my narcissistic depths It's easier than losing grip on my heart And giving it to you I love myself harder to unsee your longing for me I relish my pain and pleasure of solitude Face to face with a mirror, I shine. But over my shoulder you stand tall With a hole in your heart so big it daunts me With a love so desperate I cower like a coward I am too small for you My kisses cannot fix your eyebrows bent in gloom So I unsee you I unfeel your shadow resting on my back I unknow you and focus on myself Narcissism, my shield of arms, Covers my lonely heart as the nights grow cold I stifle tears, I watch you go.
I'm singing in the shower
Waiting for the hours
To pass me by
I would've brought you flowers
If this love had been ours
But you're not mine.
Oh,
And I don't know what to say
You're gonna fade away
So soon,
So soon
I'll love you anyway
But you're not here to stay
My moon,
My moon...
Tell me why I cried for your arms
Tell me why I'm begging for your love
Tell me how I'll live a broken life
Tell me how the hours will pass me by
Without you,
Without you.
I'm still singing in the shower
My breath turning sour
This love couldn't be ours,
And that is life.
Violent colours dancing on your face
I watch from afar
I look away
Violent colours stabbing my heart
The leaves are swaying
Hair strands gripped on to your sweaty face
I remember your anecdotes
I remember you doted on me
I remember it all
How did I have no eyes back then?
The poets and singers lament my foolishness
He is standing next to you
My stomach is upset with rage
As he removes the silk strands from your face
I mourn our days
Sunlight leaking through leaves
My once-negligent heart now twisting and turning
Oh what I wouldn’t give now
To have it all back
I look at my palms and I look at your face
You and your new friend begin to move away
I am empty with a shell for a heart,
Cursing myself for letting you go
Wondering about how could I not know
I cannot bear staying apart.
The screen flashes into ecstatic noises
I throw a pillow to suffocate it and it groans
It’s a new smartphone, but no wonder not wise
Did he say yes, or no?
The notifications lie stagnant under the pillow
My heart’s beating loud and I’m warm
So is my phone
Under the pillow it waits for my expectant palm
I can’t bear to take it out but I stare at it
My entire room throbbing in anticipation
Even the lizard on the wall pauses to take a look
And I start to lose all my patience
Yes, yes! He likes me too
Oh, to be online and in love!
I kiss the screen
And start typing
It’s virtual, but real enough.
I make fun of his love
And his cheesy 2 a.m. poetry
He's chased her for six long years
And it doesn't make any sense to me
I say, I might be dead in six years
How did your love not die?
He says, he needed the six years
To be able to survive his life
That she reminded him of soft sunsets:
I reminded him, she was cold
He insists on her rosy pictures.
Oh, love and its blindfolds...
I laugh but he knows I'm crying
How does it feel to be loved? I ask
I wish I'd caused six moments of longing
At least six seconds, perhaps
I remember those who said they liked me
After six minutes of mindless chats
I remember being amused and flattered
But never moved by any of that
I never felt connected, I tell him
He asks me if I felt stuck
Yes, I didn't feel loved, I say,
In any case, not loved enough
I suppose it's just me, I finally say,
But I think it's too soon to conclude
He says he'll chase money now
Chasing love is of no use
We bond over our lovesick hearts
Our fragile little friendship starts
As we wait six years, both of us
To woo or to be wooed.
mimimusing 