blogger – mimimusing

Artless. Sadness.

March 26, 2022March 26, 2022 ahonarcLeave a comment

I try so hard to be happy.
My hands tremble,
I want to be firm 

Thunderstorms have left behind debris
I stand with a flower (which you didn't bring me)
And I try so hard to be happy.
I etch lines inside my mind
It bleeds, I smile;
The bleeding stops, it clots
What a waste of time
And another day goes by
I stand with the flower
Anxious
It shall wilt soon.
If the bleeding resumes
Will the flower stay alive?
Does it know, I try so hard to be happy?
I try so hard to smile.

II

I hide in her room
She breaks my bones
I cope with her losses, she sobs with her soul
Isn't it funny? How you love me so well
I've been here forever and I see you fail
We're reeling in memories
And images conjured
Forehead to forehead
With nowhere to go. 

III

Once it's all said and done
Do I fumble for your hands?
I have done what I can, and I lost
I always think of the worst.
My dreams are clouded again
She laughs at me, cold
He texts me "bye."
I misread it: "hello!"
And then I wake up, with nowhere to go.
Why do I have to remember
All the lies we shared?
Friends come and go,
But some of them stare at me
Even as I die
I never could look away,
Fixated by their eyes.

Mourn.

January 23, 2022 ahonarc2 Comments

She is burying her heart deep in her sleep
Stop her, stop her
She is unwomanly in her grave
Just because she's heartless, she cannot be called brave.
I used to see her awake at night
Eyes sparkling
Mind meandering inside waves of words
She read and read until she forgot to write
And I lost interest
There was no food to eat or clothes to fold
Not even movies to watch
I was away, for a while
Now I've come back
Now I've seen many like her
Exact copies
Cropped hair, tanned skin, eyes like pearls
The ones who forgot how to be girls
Teach them how to pose, to act
Won't you? Won't you?
She looks at me with eyes erased
My words have no power,
My love has no strength
I try to return
To see her
So she'll see me
But the nights sigh away, in vain
She throws dust upon herself, numb
I wonder if these things can be undone.
Couldn't you buy yourself hearts?
With money?
I never had any, I only had eyes.
Even then I haven't been very wise
Will she change and rise undead,
Or rest forever in her premature grave?

Time travel

January 23, 2022 ahonarcLeave a comment

He throws a ball at me
I let it drop
The birds sing for some time until the leaves turn dark
It's been years, we've been apart
His smile sits on his face
Exactly as it was
When I was in love with him a decade ago.
I've never meant to be anything more
But we still end up here
Under the tree, our bicycles long gone
He's proud of his wife, she's giving him a son
I could show him the letters I wrote
I could show him what he doesn't know
Ah, it was too long ago.
The night sky purples
As I sit with him, our cigarettes lit
He's still dribbling, talking about the friends we've lost
Talking about how I haven't changed almost
And I ask the moon, is this it?
I've lied to my lover but I love him enough
I'm tied to you, who would've broken my heart
Who says it's been years we've stayed apart?

Revisit

January 23, 2022 ahonarcLeave a comment

I remember you, all the time
When the days are shapeless
Rain falling lonely on a little puddle
A man walking home to his bed
I remember how you said
Nothing.
Nothing when I loved you, quiet
Not a word when I stroked your hair
I remember everything you didn't say or do
I remember everything else about you
I remember you because you're not there.
The rain falls harder and the puddle overspills
I never said I loved you, and I never will
Perhaps I didn't
Perhaps you know that too
I remember when you left one day
Smiling, "See you soon."

Insufferable.

January 23, 2022 ahonarcLeave a comment

1

Ease me, don't tease me
Quantify your love aloud for buckets to fill
Prodding my sharp doubts I incise into your soft corners
But, if you don't appease me, who will?
I soaked myself in rain
Muddy glory, sensuous in petrichor spark
Your breath seemed fresh when we kissed
I buried my hand inside your lungs
To throw out all the hurt, disease,
You smoked into the air in rings
Red. Love. Passion.
Are you scared of my obsession?
Alas, we had come so far.


2

I love you so much it breaks my heart into glass dust on the shore
The music stops, suddenly
I am so bone-haggard, alone, termite hollow and sick
Bereft of you, my love, I waste away into dust
I love you knowing you cannot return
I sealed our fate as we sealed our lips
Cold blues rippled on your face as I refused your kiss
I hate you, I'd said, and you believed my words
I'd pictured pain but it turned out worse.


3


Grieve the skin that has burnt in black
New flesh takes over, you say
Rapid and anxious
Pink and glowing in health
Won't you grieve what smoked and peeled?
It was you, too
Even if it was brief
Skin cells now turned to dust, broomed away
Such pain
I must grieve the skin you'd set ablaze,
So I can let it be replaced
Can we not begin again?

Bones of glass

December 31, 2021 ahonarcLeave a comment

I hide my heart in a skeleton closet
My arm fat is melting into lumps of grease
How long does it take to be human?
I'm waiting.
Don't look at me with so much pity
Don't look at me
Please.
I've lost my watch, long ago
When I wanted to be a mother of two
Now I am not even a child
What will I do with this massive room?
The rickshaw outside moves, empty
Sullen afternoon in a winterscape
How to mourn something never started
Sunlight frozen on an unborn day?

Promise

December 31, 2021 ahonarcLeave a comment

I will preserve you like the sun preserves the brown in
my hair
May you need me like you do, forever

Sometimes you jar me into an unthinking sorrow
I doubt my heart, shrieking loud enough to pierce its
walls
When it unflowers and the veins are shed
You appear again, awaken from the dead,
Or perhaps from my very own self
I do not need to know

I hope you'll preserve me like a pearl inside a locket,
too
So that when my heart is rebuilt again
Maybe a little less red this time
I am still whole and soft like a mother's touch
You're still a home, a haven, a shrine
Even if I wander alone in fairs, concerts, cafés and
malls
Carve my way through dingy lanes
Or get lost inside humongous halls
I'll unload into you all my noise
And we can make music
Like we do,
Like we'll do.

We'll be preserved in touches unshaken
Doors ajar, no tiptoeing around
Our calm rejoicing in silence and sound
We will keep it all
Life will go, as it goes on
We will go, as we must
Yet we can't leave so we will stay
Preserved in our love and trust.

NOTICE

December 31, 2021 ahonarcLeave a comment

I gaze at a man who never looks at me
An amused grin hanging over his thin lips
(Like a curtain I’m supposed to uncover)
I lie down on the grass, counting my piecemeal joys
Wondering if the day is over
Sighing, nodding, humming a tune
Waiting for my sacred moon

He pays no attention while he smokes rings into the
air
I wish he were a gentleman with flowers
He doesn’t look at me, yet
Life is so unfair

I’m sure he’s up to something
He lectures at the empty sun but I catch his shy breath
I look at him, for hours on end
A nasty tiktok song stuck in my goddamn brain
How long will it take for him
To kiss me in the dusk?
Before it’s too late, I might have to ask

What did you mean when you hugged her
What do you mean when you hold my hands?
Look at me, face my eyes
Or I’ll leave to look at another man.

Narcissist

November 10, 2021 ahonarc1 Comment

As the nights grow cold
I plunge myself into my narcissistic depths
It's easier than losing grip on my heart
And giving it to you
I love myself harder to unsee your longing for me
I relish my pain and pleasure of solitude
Face to face with a mirror, I shine.
But over my shoulder you stand tall
With a hole in your heart so big it daunts me
With a love so desperate I cower like a coward
I am too small for you
My kisses cannot fix your eyebrows bent in gloom
So I unsee you
I unfeel your shadow resting on my back
I unknow you and focus on myself
Narcissism, my shield of arms,
Covers my lonely heart as the nights grow cold
I stifle tears, I watch you go.

A song for the bored

July 4, 2021 ahonarcLeave a comment

Give me a melody, I'll find the words to sing
I'm not giving up hope

I'm just a nobody, life's not a tragedy
And I'm not just a joke

I'm walking alone, nowhere to go
I'm working but I have no goals

Is this life, is this who I am?
Is this fine, or a useless sham?
A useless sham!

Take me to the moon, I'm not feeling good
The city is crowded dust

I'll be an open book, you can take a look
We can stare at the stars

Is this life, is this who I am?
Is this fine, or a useless sham?
A useless sham!

I'm escaping all these blues
And I will be taking you, too
We'll play songs old and new
And we'll dance on the moon, ooh

Even if life's a useless sham
I will be who I am
And you will be you!