I imagine the sun settingflowingdropping into the crease of buildings
A mellow skyline, pink and rose and yellow and blushing
I imagine everyday beauty
I am inside a small room and I never go out.
My house is only two storeys high
My ambition no higher
I crave the softness that comes with smallness
All I taste is the gap I never even dream to remove someday
I often wonder what other dots in the web are doing
It glitches my mind and I get disconnected
I bet it’s beautiful outside
Even the high-rise residents can’t jog at their beautified parks
I wrap my arm around my pillow
Take a deep breath
I am herenowalwaysforever
I pick a movie to watch
The deadlines can wait
The dead lines aren’t waiting
They’re piling up at riverbanks
I’m still at home playingwatchingignoring a movie
I’m too afraid to murmur a premature thanks
I stare at the ceiling
My spotify is wailing
The only thing moving is the fan.
It's nice to have friends
But it's also not bad
To hear cotton-voiced guys and marble-voiced girls-
Strangers over group calls,
A happy little break from
Rotting in your bed and
Staring at the walls
A sixteen year old plays her favourite songs For a man a decade older I try to warn her But she doesn’t listen But I don’t listen As I keep humming the tunes The artsy man says his girlfriend loves I thank God he’s unavailable
I tease a guy, pull his legs I think I would avoid him If I were to meet him anywhere A classroom, a bus stand, a friend’s house He is rural but his tastes are global A gen Z specimen and a flirt I call him my brother and he bans me from the chat All girls in the group face exactly that And we laugh I promise to stop and he lets me come back But he’s a virgin, he says And I’m a virgin, but I only smile We all know we aren’t going anywhere Further
The older woman who sings like a star And the guy my age who plays the guitar The nerdy boy who shares great memes And the sulky teen who has big dreams All of them, I’ve known for a week, All of them have known me a bit
When the walls shut me in I let the internet win: They’re fragile and fickle But these are still bonds When I scrape for memories They won’t be gone
We’re, we know, just passing the time They tell me stories and then listen to mine, And we waste away our lonelinesses With pseudonyms and masked faces, Celebrating our virtual lives.
It was the year when millions died And a girl woke out of love It was when shells were broken Souls roamed free Bodies stuck to their cages For what seemed like ages
People online played board games A man broke his back Scratching miles on earth To and fro, a migrant and a labourer Nothing more nor less Perhaps a little less human
Sunrise dripped out of the sky The youth shed tears Mourning its days of freedom Hearts beat as fast as Fingers typed on screens Reality had shifted its venue
And the old, they died And I remembered the saying Death is the death of the fear of death But death is real as real can get. It was the year we all broke anew It was the year I fell for you.
I'm stretching my smile to cover my face
I'm blinking too, to punctuate your gaze
I'm learning to stay and not say no
Because I've learnt that I can't go
Not when death is alive and cold
Uninvited guest at our doors
I will stay and learn your steps
You will stay and hold my waist
Us against the world, so naive;
We kiss and love and stay alive.
How many arms did I touch
And flinched away
Before the blink of an eye?
How many words did I miss
To mouth into a phrase
To greet a passer-by?
How many smiles did I keep
Chained into coldness
Instead of laughing wide?
And more importantly,
Why?
Why is it that I look back now
Recalling names who could've been friends
Heaping on sighs as the hours go by,
Why is it that I know I'll drown
Making the same mistakes again and again
Knowing I'll never be able to try
Am I dooming myself to loneliness?
I wonder what's the worse case-
Feeling lonely in a crowd
Or lonely enough by oneself?
When lockdown ends The flowers that have grown on my bedcover Will crawl back into their still shapes The grey floor that has stretched into miles Will squeeze back into the 10×10 room The hours that have become endless Will trap themselves inside the watch When lockdown ends I’ll come out of a Dali painting
And I’ll ask (perhaps in vain) Am I still the same? My mind tends to forget the worst She keeps me away from my own ghosts When lockdown ends Will it make sense, if I find That in the corners of my mind Greyish blue patches of memory have disappeared Forgetfulness spreading like fungus on old bread Where did the time go? Where did I? Where am I?
I might go round in circles When the lockdown ends Will I be able to make amends To those who I might have lost Might have crossed Out from my life When I perhaps dissolved in my endless room It is the season of doom, after all.
mimimusing 