Diary of a middle-schooler

“Take off my glasses
My eyes will hold your gaze
We both know it’s been ages
But it’s not about the days
That are gone; it’s only about you,
About us, and your shy confidence,
My bewilderment at your beauty,
My love for you, which had no ends
But which carried on in sorrow –
I have loved you still, as I did
Yesterday, and will, tomorrow.”

Once I thought I’d tell you this
(Years later, when we meet again)
When I’d known you’d never be mine
And wrote these verses in my pain.

Do you remember me, as I remember you?
However, I won’t pretend, I know it’s not true-
I remember only what I thought you were,
My infatuating dream,
The boy with sharp eyes and untidy hair-
You were more than him.

You had your flaws and a snobbish air
But of course I didn’t care
You talked to me once and I flew high
I never even questioned why-
You were the supreme,
You were my dream.

I know you’re not the dream I built
You’re just some pretty guy who’s smart
But what you made me feel sometime
Is what told me I had a heart.

Residue

The streets are empty and the sunny bricks of red call me home
I find myself in a saree
Rabindrasangeet playing on a loudspeaker
Bhalobeshe shokhi nibhrito jotone
Amar naam ti likho
Tomar monero mondire.

“Write my name with tender love
In the secret chambers
Of your heart, my friend.”
But the city is empty
Who do I call my own?
I rummage through the sheaves of paper in my hand
There are so many letters
No one to give them to.

I scatter them as I go
And I write a poem on the envelopes
Each telling them I’m sorry
I could not exist in my role.

The singing voice stops
The street is empty of sound too
The letters are but scraps of paper
Words melted into dust.

I empty myself in the deserted street
The standstill hour of the sunny day
Reduced to one long moment
I cry without tears.

The city is still picture perfect
Beautiful in its sepia ruins
I close my eyes for a moment
Rest at somebody’s doorstep.

After a long moment again
I open the envelop of skin
Renewing my vision
The night has creeped in
And it’s still a deserted city

I see shadows in each corner
Nostalgia of the souls who left
I try to communicate but they are gone.
I vaguely remember for a moment that
I’ll come back again here tomorrow;
Before I can be certain,
The sun rises

I return with a stack of letters
A ear for music
A soul of yearning
And I come home.

Oh woman


Don’t be a metaphor-
“A flower trying it’s hardest to bloom
In the shattered cement ruins”
Be what you are
A woman of flesh and blood
Warring with words.
Your intangible insecurities, tangible tears
Your bleeding womb, intellectual fears
The friction of trying to transgress spheres
Makes you who you are.
Language may turn into metaphor
Or you can harden it into goals
In a void devoid of meaning.
What does it mean, to be feminine?

Forgive me

Photo by Kayley Dlugos on Pexels.com
 She was singing because she lost her mother
 I was listening but I did not cry.
 Her song gave me a perverted joy
 As I had something she didn’t
  
 I pitied her as night fell
 She went home to rest;
 We met again the next day and she smiled at the men
 How can she smile, I wondered
 How can she smile when I can’t
 Even though I have my mother
 And a family ten times larger
 And a house far more decked with ornamental books?
 It is wrong for you to smile
 I wanted to say
 But instead I cried alone when night fell and she went home to rest;
 I wanted to embrace my mother
 Tell her how delicious the curry was,
 Instead I felt guilt churning in my gut
 For that one moment of blasphemous joy I had felt
 When she had sung the sad song of loss
  
 Forgive me, friend
 God bless your mother’s spirits
 Forgive me, mother,
 For creating absences and pain
 Forgive me
 So I can forgive myself. 

Burial

I think I’m dying

My smiling face in the polaroid
That I left behind in your heart
Is losing its colours and I
Am out of focus
I multiplied my two arms
Into thousands
Hand-in-hand like a mesh
The thatched wall of blood and flesh
Is crumbling and
I’m scattered all over
How do I protect you now?
Your lips have forgotten to sting
At the strike of my name
Oh how easily now
They’re just vowels and consonants
I think I have indeed
Begun to end.

Bury me when the sun finally sets
I’ll leave the rope of my long hair
For you
Not as a reminder to forget
But to secure the ones who come next spring
Bury me now
Bury me
So that I can bury you well.

Hibiscus

<inspired by the drama I Told Sunset About You>

Hibiscus.
His name plays in my mouth
My arms lie locked with his,
We’re fighting

Hibiscus
Anything to draw him in…
I throw my glances-
One at him and the next at the sea,
Wait for a moment
While I stare at another man

Hibiscus
My cheeks are volcanic
I can sense that you want me
Hibiscus-
Why are you running?
To her?- who thinks I am just a boy
A long lost friend-turned-rival-turned…
Hibiscus!

Why can’t I be Patroclus?
I’d die for you
Without an epic to sing of my name
Hibiscus,
I will be yours
Will you tell sunset about me?

Or will we be dried flowers
Within yellow pages of our book
The words never spoken aloud?
Hibiscus,
I want to be found.

Stay/Go

Sometimes I stop thinking
And paint myself into a blank wall
People who run into me
Leave behind a taste of their minds,
Their greasy forehead impressions.

I'm standing still
My blank face changes colours
A perfect background for any of you
I will be the poker face in all your pictures
Calm, quiet and free,

I can't move at all
But I can hear your songs
And I don't want to dance
I'm listening to your stories
How they've ended and begun.

If I grow weary of repose
I will start to flow
I'll loosen into clear water and ripple with ease
Maybe I'll occupy your minds,
And the stories I gathered
Will turn to sand-stones.

Flip me a coin, Fate, and let me know
Should I stay, or should I go?

Meet me halfway there

In the heart of the city I want to see you-
You and I
Separated by a vast road,
Cars speeding faster than thoughts
Sound reflecting from every surface-
All will turn into blurred lines and white noise
When we lock our eyes.
You'll know who I am.
We have never spoken, no, 
Not in this world
But I remember you from the ones before.
In each of them
I'd written songs and ballads for you
Cried for your love
Loved in your name
And you have loved me too.
But parallels never meet
Neither did we.
All I ask is for you to
Meet me halfway there.
Even if it's impossible
Even if it's madness
Let us dare.

Songs I whisper

‘Compassion’ by Daniel F. Gerhartz
I'm putting a finger on your lips
My palms dry the petals of your skin
Why do you cry, my love?
Are you hurt by a dark dream?
Oh
You say you can't forget him.
I'll take your head inside my arms
Let the night howl away in storm
Memories of ice will fade away
Before our glowing warmth.

I have loved you for eons
Centuries have come and gone
My soul has decayed and rotten away
Only for you to come one day
And breathe life into my bones
And lend me your hand in friendship.
I could have kissed it
But it wasn't meant to be.

We could have ruled the world,
You and I
Our queenly graces fragrancing
The musty crowd of mediocrity
Our smiles aligned with
Stolen glances and butterflies fluttering.
But you waited for a king.

It is beyond my dreams
Beyond the margins of my senses
To be so much as be mad at you;
This love that I carry
Inside my porcelain heart
Can never be tainted with anger.

What more can I hope for
Than to wipe your silver tears
Bask in your moonshine
And love you for the sake of love?
Centuries will come and go
It barely matters any more
That you can't be mine.

Sigh.

I know my thoughts will roam about
I’ve got to bring them home, but how?
They’ll peep in through my neighbour’s door
They’ll tell me what they have more

I’ll play a tug of war with the spies
Reel them away from the magic-eyes
I’m tired, tired, tired, tired
My anxiety soaring higher

Frictionless thoughts will slide past me
Rushing out with lightning speed
I will throw my net but it is torn
I am sick and I am worn out.

My thoughts are still
Beyond my will
Roaming about.