If you were here with me
You'd compare the workmen next door
Who drill on my eardrum every hour
With the woodpecker
In your grandparents' backyard in the village
On a silent sultry afternoon.
I would ask you once again
"Tell me how you said-
How you used to play-pretend
To make ice-cream out of mud?"
You'd burst out a little laugh
We'll re-enact your childhood glee
That cherished memory
Of rubbing earth on face
The best 'chocolate', eh?
It is too late now
I forgot to go inside
Now I have tears in my eyes
I'm sure my neighbour saw me crying.
I had come to the balcony
To water my plants
But the past turned to water.
I am not surprised
How ever hard I try
I cannot think of you these days
Without the streaming tears
That always appear-
Yesterday I saw you sister at the market
I couldn't face her
I thought I had gotten better
But her happy little family-
It was too much for me.
Everything's a mystery
How the sun still rises
How cars move past my body
How I see you everywhere
I could see your face even on a TV ad.
I am not sad
I am not even mad at you
Or anyone
That you're gone.
How many years has it been?
Or was it yesterday?
I cannot remember.
But I remember you
I remember everything you ever said to me
Every sweet little word you said dotingly
Every office anecdote
Every harsh word you spoke, too.
But we always made up in the end
After dealing with the pain-
We still do.
You aren't with me anymore
Anyone would say so
They won't understand
I think no one can.
I could try to tell them
You're a part of me now
Like the stars are a part of the night
Even though the city spreads her smog
The stars don't die
They just hide.
Let them not be a part
Of our hide-and-seek
I believe you're still here with me
As long as I keep you inside
You will never die.
I remember an evening when my feet kissed the damp soil
My long dark hair flowing down in glossy coils
The earth being passed on to summer from spring
Aroma of baby mangoes and the cuckoos’ calling
A garland of fresh white jasmines pinned to my hair
A trail of the scent followed me everywhere.
I carried a large book in my arms
It told me tales of uncountable charms;
In our garden I spent my evening
Reading about kingdoms and kings
Time stopped yet flew as ever.
Each moment I delightfully savoured.
I imagined myself trapped, like the princess
In the tower, the damsel in distress,
I could almost see my prince slay the beast
The story ended with our wedding feast.
I remember the evening when I closed my book of tales
And returned to my dingy room, untidy and stale
Maa and Baba raising their voices across the thin walls
Happily ever after, I knew, was false
Maa chided me for reading fairy tales
She said it was time for me to read something else
After all I was a girl growing up
And dreaming was indeed not enough.
I put away the book one day
To ground myself in reality.
Days and years and lives have passed
I wonder if I did grow up.
I say I don’t believe in fate
But deep inside I think I may
I’ll tell no one, but I think I’ll wait
For my saviour, my soulmate.
Paper-thin lies and overcast eyes
I look away from you.
Back when I never thought I’d be here one day
I knew perfectly what I’d do
(In my mind I’d lived so many lives
But I didn’t really, did I?)
I could throw my arms and bawl
Act as if I’d lost it all
“How could you do this to me?”
I could curse you a thousand times.
Or I could be cool and quiet
Keep my self-respect and pride
Leave you in a moment, and say,
“I hope you are worth her pain.”
I could even keep a straight face.
Before we part our ways,
We might even promise to stay friends.
Your paper-thin lies and my overcast eyes
I look away from you.
I do nothing really, I’ve turned to stone
I am not surprised, I had always known.
How foolish of me to fancy
That I’ll be someone’s home.
What will my heart hold?
I remember I was once told
“Keep your loved ones-
Parents, lovers, daughters and sons
Treasured inside your heart, like precious stones;
Miles may spring up between you,
But you’ll never be alone.”
I wanted my heart to start
To feel like a home
I rearranged bits and pieces inside
I tried so hard that I cried
While I covered up the dark corners
I looked at my heart and I adorned her.
My heart remained cold nonetheless
I almost lost all hope and became a mess.
There was once again springtime
Beautiful purple flowers coiled around telephone lines
I felt that the universe wished me well
I remade my heart into a hotel.
Visitors who were always welcome
Never overstayed their sojourn
I had to happily wave them goodbye
I didn’t mean to, did I?
I was sick of my heart so much
I was sick of company, I was sick of touch
Words crawling out of every corner in the room
Was I sure I’d be fine soon?
I turned my heart into a hospital cabin
Breathe in, breathe out, keep breathing
Loneliness spread like a disease in me
In my white bed I dreamt of setting free.
But my heart is now a graveyard.
What will my heart hold? I ask
And I answer it myself,
It’ll hold nothing that isn’t meant to be lost
It’ll hold no one who isn’t meant to be gone
Even if I long to treasure my loved ones
I will be alone.
1 It’s a valley of baby-pink bougainvilleas We’re little girls spreading our little wings Running after each other Colourman O Colourman, which colour do you choose? I choose you, perhaps I whisper to myself, I will always choose you. Our love will blossom as we hold our hands Ring a ring o’ roses My rosy cheeks, your dusky grin Aren’t we the best? I’ll go after you, run, run It’s a valley of red roses I’ve plucked all the thorns, Love will come to you Like a soft petal closing your eyelids Love will come to us We will be the queens of the world We need no one Aren’t we the best? As the branches grow pink, I blush too I love you, I love you.
2 The earth smells like you I run my fingers through the leaves of the potted plant There are no flowers today, You were running your fingers through the sand There were no seashells that day You were smiling as ever, The sunlight gliding off your skin like oil I tied my heart to the waves of your hair The waves made me fall on your shoulder in a giant splash I didn’t need the sea to fall for you, but I wonder Who did you fall for? I called you a mermaid and you braided my hair with flowers I called you a fairy Your laughter still ringing in my ears It has been years. I found a tiny bud in the plant A single dewdrop on it Perhaps that rolled down my cheek. The earth smells like you today But I couldn’t be the plant Rooted in you. Some dreams, or most, don’t come true.
“Who will be my home?” Everyone looks outside the window and asks. But I can’t remember what a home is, Is it my mind, my body, my family, my city, my country? I’ve been a stranger everywhere, Often enough to ask like a little child What is a home? Home is the person you love, they say, The person you return to after a day of rain and hailstorms, The arms you hide inside when the world comes out to swallow you whole. It’s not that I don’t know what a home is I can’t feel it. All I can understand with my massive joke of a brain Are stories. You and I, we’re stories, we’ve always been Some are more than that, they are dreams. Therefore I’ve stopped searching for a home (After years of walking along aimless alleys and lanes which lead nowhere) I’ll start stringing words and actions into tales Only hoping they’ll connect me to a story that I can call mine So the next time I put on sad, soothing music And look out of the window I’ll ask “Who will be my story?”
There’s nothing new under the sun There’s nothing new about my pain, longing, love Nor in my desire to be unique. There’s nothing new in my poem, When I say I’ve been blue to have missed you Red to have kissed you Black to have forgotten you and myself I’m only rewording what I’ve said Maybe a hundred years ago, Even a thousand, who knows? The gnawing hunger in my mind To compose the poem to end all poems To create it all and consume it all- Is a spectacular piece of comic nonsense I laugh, louder and louder till my lungs bitterly burst And I’m finally empty again- A quill with no ink A blank word file A waste of time.
I’m well aware of the stupidity of ‘falling in love’
Text, talk, date and mutual disappointments-
We’ve all been there, done that.
This time, let’s go all the long way to forever
I’m tired of having to stitch my heart again on my sleeves, love,
I’m too tired to mope around and weep,
Look at my eyes while I ask with a smile,
Will you be mine to keep?
If you wish so
I’ll take a break from my prosaic presence.
Let me whisper into your ears-
Oh my dear, you’re a sacred dream
The only God at my altar, my only King,
The strength of your ardent soul’s embrace
Exhilarates me in unspeakable ways.
Your smouldering eyes beckon me to stare
We look deep in our hearts, and our souls are laid bare.
Roses bloom as our fingers intertwine,
I become yours and you become mine-
Or, wait, are you too smart for my art?
Or too broken perhaps.
Sweet words sound soothing,
But I know too well, don't I?
How swiftly they lose their sweetness
And turn into twisted jokes,
Reverberating in the empty chambers of the heart at 3 a.m.
When I end up inevitably alone
When the darkness is quiet, and everyone’s long gone
Only the moon shining down on me through the window
Softly caressing me and my pain.
So, I ask again,
Before I tie up my heart and lock it to sleep,
Will you love me whole,
Will you be mine to keep?
