He throws a ball at me
I let it drop
The birds sing for some time until the leaves turn dark
It's been years, we've been apart
His smile sits on his face
Exactly as it was
When I was in love with him a decade ago.
I've never meant to be anything more
But we still end up here
Under the tree, our bicycles long gone
He's proud of his wife, she's giving him a son
I could show him the letters I wrote
I could show him what he doesn't know
Ah, it was too long ago.
The night sky purples
As I sit with him, our cigarettes lit
He's still dribbling, talking about the friends we've lost
Talking about how I haven't changed almost
And I ask the moon, is this it?
I've lied to my lover but I love him enough
I'm tied to you, who would've broken my heart
Who says it's been years we've stayed apart?
I remember you, all the time
When the days are shapeless
Rain falling lonely on a little puddle
A man walking home to his bed
I remember how you said
Nothing.
Nothing when I loved you, quiet
Not a word when I stroked your hair
I remember everything you didn't say or do
I remember everything else about you
I remember you because you're not there.
The rain falls harder and the puddle overspills
I never said I loved you, and I never will
Perhaps I didn't
Perhaps you know that too
I remember when you left one day
Smiling, "See you soon."
I'll kill my body the way it kills me
Slurp slash swing
Sweet gore for no audience but me
A boy's wet dream
I spill out with my stretch marks
My breasts are uneven
Belly bulging softly, too much
Hyenas of men paste their eyes, at will.
I spend all day scrubbing them off
Their tongues wagging for a sickly touch
I should kill my urge to kill
Unwanted eyes ungodly stares
Unwanted men everywhere
I sit frozen, still.
Are you happy or have you been ...?
I ask you how you are but I don't want to listen
I know you'll mould sound waves of sadness
"I'm fine". Such cliche.
So boring!
Tell me you're happy
And we can breathe
Tell me you're sad
And we can leave
I shouldn't ask you questions, I know.
I see you crying every night
Newborn tears, so funny in the daylight
Tell me you'll be okay and I can rest.
Loving ourselves is by far the hardest
I speak to myself so I can't disappear
So, are you happy
Or shedding tears?
1
Ease me, don't tease me
Quantify your love aloud for buckets to fill
Prodding my sharp doubts I incise into your soft corners
But, if you don't appease me, who will?
I soaked myself in rain
Muddy glory, sensuous in petrichor spark
Your breath seemed fresh when we kissed
I buried my hand inside your lungs
To throw out all the hurt, disease,
You smoked into the air in rings
Red. Love. Passion.
Are you scared of my obsession?
Alas, we had come so far.
2
I love you so much it breaks my heart into glass dust on the shore
The music stops, suddenly
I am so bone-haggard, alone, termite hollow and sick
Bereft of you, my love, I waste away into dust
I love you knowing you cannot return
I sealed our fate as we sealed our lips
Cold blues rippled on your face as I refused your kiss
I hate you, I'd said, and you believed my words
I'd pictured pain but it turned out worse.
3
Grieve the skin that has burnt in black
New flesh takes over, you say
Rapid and anxious
Pink and glowing in health
Won't you grieve what smoked and peeled?
It was you, too
Even if it was brief
Skin cells now turned to dust, broomed away
Such pain
I must grieve the skin you'd set ablaze,
So I can let it be replaced
Can we not begin again?
Green waves dilute and deepen in the front yard I like the assortment of plants
I joke, will you skip me like a YouTube ad? We chuckle. I'm funny, we agree She says she'll miss me And I will But I reassure, it's just a new year Sadly(?), not a new me
I can go on about the book I'm reading She calls me a beautiful kid I smile, knowing she's lonely I keep taking advantage of it
There's nothing new about something new There's nothing new to feel I enjoy the chant of daily TV There's nothing new I want to be.
I read what you wrote.
Bring me the coffee so I can read it again,
This time, calmer
This time, knowing
The week is expiring into a nonsensical knot
I have given up on my hair
Sitting in my bed with an ugly grease-bun
Sipping my coffee
I'm reading it again
You write like a bird flying with twigs
Making a nest but not quite, yet
Who am I to review?
Let's say, I'm the cat
I'm eyeing your little home building every dawn
For a chance to pounce upon it
Don't look so shocked, please
Don't pretend you didn't know I am ruthless.
Bring me the fork please, thank you
It's delicious how I can tear apart
Your feeble similes and metaphors
Oh, so easily.
Your poems reek of Romeo and Juliet
No complaints, but, really?
Would you die for him,
Or is it only your many moments
Of boredom turned infatuation
Teen drama cliché
I know you're older, I know
Stop scowling.
The poem looks fine
Could've been a little less flowery
Could've been more like a poem.
Even then, my dear, it's all wrong
My coffee has never tasted so bitter
And whose fault is it?
You fell for the one I fell for.
I hide my heart in a skeleton closet
My arm fat is melting into lumps of grease
How long does it take to be human?
I'm waiting.
Don't look at me with so much pity
Don't look at me
Please.
I've lost my watch, long ago
When I wanted to be a mother of two
Now I am not even a child
What will I do with this massive room?
The rickshaw outside moves, empty
Sullen afternoon in a winterscape
How to mourn something never started
Sunlight frozen on an unborn day?
Coffee beans brimming over my cupped hands
We're so many, so small, too much
I think it's fine
Everything green turns grey someday
Our planet, its climate, its crisis
Everything born must die a death
We know.
I think about plastic hazards only when I get some
free time
Only when I can think
Over the noise of my dad watching the TV
Over my mom's relentless questions
Over my agonising thoughts that take me nowhere
“Free some time to think :)”
Free me so I can think
But you say I'll be free if only I think.
I say, I am just a word-mincer
I only care about plastic clogging the drains
Because it flooded the city when it rained
Because I wanted to write a poem about it
Or maybe I needed to write an essay
Alternatively, to impress a man
In truth, I'm not doing all I can
And I know neither are you.
Yes you're reading it, and you cannot run
We feel responsible for ourselves
But we leave things undone.
One day I gave you two stones to keep
Then another one
And I stopped.
You said you'd build a castle
For us to live in
With playful curtains and hours of kisses
Music stained walls
Flowered garden and coloured windows
You said we can have it all
I thought we could, too
I scoured the riverbed for more pebbles
Keeping aside only two
The ones which sang as they tinkled against my
anklets
I, the happy explorer, paused for some rest
Floating like a moonclad lily in motherly waters
I worshipped the god of love
I danced till daybreak and slept like a child
The fourth day we met
You poured before me a sack of stones
They were so beautiful
You were so beautiful
My eyes widened and shone
Your little boy grin and our pile of stones
We couldn't stop smiling,
Our cheeks were alight with hope
I dropped the two stones I had
Our hillock rose by a hair's breadth
I looked up at you and you were a changed man
No longer the boy who matched my faith
But a man I'd think twice before talking to.
How incredibly our pillage of precious pebbles
Turned to rubble
Ashen and disgusting
Cold and dull
You looked at your watch
I looked away
Perhaps we had always known
It was only a castle of sand
You should not have held my hand,
When I was meant to let you go.
mimimusing 