The sun sleeps on your amber skin
The classroom turns into a raj darbar.
Erasers are now ivory eggs
Your calculator, a sceptre
Books shine like parchment scrolls
As the evening gold pours in through the window.
Maybe one scroll reads about
The famous beauty of the kingdom next door
Whose father, the King, wishes you to
Ask her hand in marriage.
Another is a threat
From a powerful Emperor
Who has his eyes on
One of your prosperous towns.
Another one a signal of truce
With some other neighbouring land.
Your beautiful sincere brow
Deepens into a thoughtful frown
The sun smouldering in your honeyed eyes
Your lean fingers curling around your chin.
Every eye is fixed on your pondering face
Each slight movement that you make
Makes my heart race.
In a moment you begin to compose
Not verses for me nor prose,
But letters in reply;
And you hand them to your messenger.
Finally you look at me
Butterflies flutter in my belly
As I lower my eyes, my cheeks burn
You reach out your arm
Is that a blood red rose for me?
The sun has set,
Through the big window I see
The sky draping its night robe inch by inch
I suddenly flinch as I find
It's just a pen that you returned to me;
My test sheet lies blank on my desk.
I can't help but feel vexed.
My mind needs some rest!
If you were here with me
You'd compare the workmen next door
Who drill on my eardrum every hour
With the woodpecker
In your grandparents' backyard in the village
On a silent sultry afternoon.
I would ask you once again
"Tell me how you said-
How you used to play-pretend
To make ice-cream out of mud?"
You'd burst out a little laugh
We'll re-enact your childhood glee
That cherished memory
Of rubbing earth on face
The best 'chocolate', eh?
It is too late now
I forgot to go inside
Now I have tears in my eyes
I'm sure my neighbour saw me crying.
I had come to the balcony
To water my plants
But the past turned to water.
I am not surprised
How ever hard I try
I cannot think of you these days
Without the streaming tears
That always appear-
Yesterday I saw you sister at the market
I couldn't face her
I thought I had gotten better
But her happy little family-
It was too much for me.
Everything's a mystery
How the sun still rises
How cars move past my body
How I see you everywhere
I could see your face even on a TV ad.
I am not sad
I am not even mad at you
Or anyone
That you're gone.
How many years has it been?
Or was it yesterday?
I cannot remember.
But I remember you
I remember everything you ever said to me
Every sweet little word you said dotingly
Every office anecdote
Every harsh word you spoke, too.
But we always made up in the end
After dealing with the pain-
We still do.
You aren't with me anymore
Anyone would say so
They won't understand
I think no one can.
I could try to tell them
You're a part of me now
Like the stars are a part of the night
Even though the city spreads her smog
The stars don't die
They just hide.
Let them not be a part
Of our hide-and-seek
I believe you're still here with me
As long as I keep you inside
You will never die.
I remember an evening when my feet kissed the damp soil
My long dark hair flowing down in glossy coils
The earth being passed on to summer from spring
Aroma of baby mangoes and the cuckoos’ calling
A garland of fresh white jasmines pinned to my hair
A trail of the scent followed me everywhere.
I carried a large book in my arms
It told me tales of uncountable charms;
In our garden I spent my evening
Reading about kingdoms and kings
Time stopped yet flew as ever.
Each moment I delightfully savoured.
I imagined myself trapped, like the princess
In the tower, the damsel in distress,
I could almost see my prince slay the beast
The story ended with our wedding feast.
I remember the evening when I closed my book of tales
And returned to my dingy room, untidy and stale
Maa and Baba raising their voices across the thin walls
Happily ever after, I knew, was false
Maa chided me for reading fairy tales
She said it was time for me to read something else
After all I was a girl growing up
And dreaming was indeed not enough.
I put away the book one day
To ground myself in reality.
Days and years and lives have passed
I wonder if I did grow up.
I say I don’t believe in fate
But deep inside I think I may
I’ll tell no one, but I think I’ll wait
For my saviour, my soulmate.
My blood boils as my country heats up
You and I watch helplessly
Hopelessly
As men with empty shells for brains
Fight a war where they die, and the women get raped.
I’m paralysed
By the sheer number of heavy headlines,
Each a bullet to the heart of our beloved land.
Men die like flies
Women protest like they have nothing left to lose
And they still say, “But what about when-“
You and I,
We scream, shout, yell and cry
But end up laughing with a taste of bitterness inside our mouths.
We break into peals of laughter-
Our eyes turn into glass balls
Lips as hard as ice
Hearts as cold as the tip of a gun barrel.
Mad, aren’t we?
Aren’t we all?
A long time back when I was a rather ruthless child,
I found a scared baby sparrow in our balcony.
I harboured anger against them, the little chirpy birds
They stole and ate every flower bud that our plants gave birth to.
This little piece of feathery enemy sat there like a blob of confusion
And I decided to have some fun with it.
I meant to scare it a little
Have my revenge
Then feed it some puffed rice using tweezers
Until it learnt to fly and join its mafia gang of the flower-eaters.
I am being candid when I say
There was absolute malice in my smile
When I approached the tiny trembling bird
And shouted “SHOO” at it.
I knew it would be scared shitless
But ha! Where would it go, flightless little blob of feathery meat?
As I looked at it, basking in its helpless hazard, I saw-
It gathered all the strength it could conjure;
In a motion that was a mixture of rolling, running and gliding,
It moved through the gaps in the banisters of the balcony railing
And fell down two storeys
Straight to its death.
The evil smile that I had, turned into a gape of horror
What had I done?
It has been years since I killed the bird,
Yet it returns to me every time I’m in a room full of strangers
My first instinct being
To roll-glide-run
And plunge to death.
Paper-thin lies and overcast eyes
I look away from you.
Back when I never thought I’d be here one day
I knew perfectly what I’d do
(In my mind I’d lived so many lives
But I didn’t really, did I?)
I could throw my arms and bawl
Act as if I’d lost it all
“How could you do this to me?”
I could curse you a thousand times.
Or I could be cool and quiet
Keep my self-respect and pride
Leave you in a moment, and say,
“I hope you are worth her pain.”
I could even keep a straight face.
Before we part our ways,
We might even promise to stay friends.
Your paper-thin lies and my overcast eyes
I look away from you.
I do nothing really, I’ve turned to stone
I am not surprised, I had always known.
How foolish of me to fancy
That I’ll be someone’s home.
What will my heart hold?
I remember I was once told
“Keep your loved ones-
Parents, lovers, daughters and sons
Treasured inside your heart, like precious stones;
Miles may spring up between you,
But you’ll never be alone.”
I wanted my heart to start
To feel like a home
I rearranged bits and pieces inside
I tried so hard that I cried
While I covered up the dark corners
I looked at my heart and I adorned her.
My heart remained cold nonetheless
I almost lost all hope and became a mess.
There was once again springtime
Beautiful purple flowers coiled around telephone lines
I felt that the universe wished me well
I remade my heart into a hotel.
Visitors who were always welcome
Never overstayed their sojourn
I had to happily wave them goodbye
I didn’t mean to, did I?
I was sick of my heart so much
I was sick of company, I was sick of touch
Words crawling out of every corner in the room
Was I sure I’d be fine soon?
I turned my heart into a hospital cabin
Breathe in, breathe out, keep breathing
Loneliness spread like a disease in me
In my white bed I dreamt of setting free.
But my heart is now a graveyard.
What will my heart hold? I ask
And I answer it myself,
It’ll hold nothing that isn’t meant to be lost
It’ll hold no one who isn’t meant to be gone
Even if I long to treasure my loved ones
I will be alone.
1 It’s a valley of baby-pink bougainvilleas We’re little girls spreading our little wings Running after each other Colourman O Colourman, which colour do you choose? I choose you, perhaps I whisper to myself, I will always choose you. Our love will blossom as we hold our hands Ring a ring o’ roses My rosy cheeks, your dusky grin Aren’t we the best? I’ll go after you, run, run It’s a valley of red roses I’ve plucked all the thorns, Love will come to you Like a soft petal closing your eyelids Love will come to us We will be the queens of the world We need no one Aren’t we the best? As the branches grow pink, I blush too I love you, I love you.
2 The earth smells like you I run my fingers through the leaves of the potted plant There are no flowers today, You were running your fingers through the sand There were no seashells that day You were smiling as ever, The sunlight gliding off your skin like oil I tied my heart to the waves of your hair The waves made me fall on your shoulder in a giant splash I didn’t need the sea to fall for you, but I wonder Who did you fall for? I called you a mermaid and you braided my hair with flowers I called you a fairy Your laughter still ringing in my ears It has been years. I found a tiny bud in the plant A single dewdrop on it Perhaps that rolled down my cheek. The earth smells like you today But I couldn’t be the plant Rooted in you. Some dreams, or most, don’t come true.
Forgetting is silly
When you keep echoing
What’s-it-called what’s-his-name what-was-I-saying
In every conversation once twice thrice
But it’s all nice
Nobody minds it, really
You might forget who you met
(Maybe it was someone not that great)
Or the name of the person you’re talking to
And cover it up with a smile or two;
Forgetting is nonchalance
A disrespectful indifference, a lack of sense
When you fail to do what they asked of you
Simply because you didn’t remember to
An irresponsible fool
Who agrees to
Run errands, and evades doing them
It’s natural that you’re to blame;
Forgetting is confusion
A blurring of your youthful vision
When you can’t remember
The goals that centre
Your lousy little life-
What to live for, what to live by?
Jumbled up to-do lists and half-done work
Failing to pick up where you left off.
Forgetting is absolutely wretched
It may fill you with a blunt dread
When you can’t remember
What the hell is supposed to make you feel
Something. Nothing? Anything!-
To make you dance, to make you sing
There’ll be something that you can almost feel
But you might just forget what it is.
Forgetting, I say, is worse than loss.
Forget me not, forget me not.
“Who will be my home?” Everyone looks outside the window and asks. But I can’t remember what a home is, Is it my mind, my body, my family, my city, my country? I’ve been a stranger everywhere, Often enough to ask like a little child What is a home? Home is the person you love, they say, The person you return to after a day of rain and hailstorms, The arms you hide inside when the world comes out to swallow you whole. It’s not that I don’t know what a home is I can’t feel it. All I can understand with my massive joke of a brain Are stories. You and I, we’re stories, we’ve always been Some are more than that, they are dreams. Therefore I’ve stopped searching for a home (After years of walking along aimless alleys and lanes which lead nowhere) I’ll start stringing words and actions into tales Only hoping they’ll connect me to a story that I can call mine So the next time I put on sad, soothing music And look out of the window I’ll ask “Who will be my story?”
