She called me pretty so I had to confess
That I am not smart
She decided I am smart so I said
It doesn't matter
I am not ambitious
She said I must be, why else was I worried?
And I didn't know where to go.
If I can't fix my hair
Constantly
What will I do?
What will I do?
She has moved on to much better fodder
Coffee table conversation
Our friends are discussing important things.
I am inside my head, I can hear the clock,
Ticking
Slowly, but fast as soon as I stop thinking about it
My friends around me don't seem to care.
I sit with them but I'm not really there
So I look at my phone.
And I've been here before.
Terrify me
So I have a reason for these baited breaths
Going up and down
Tsunami tides of heartache, strong
Dark overwhelming fear.
They touched me everywhere
In their kindly voices they peppered me with hope
You can stay, or you can go.
Aren't you terrified
Of being alone?
I’m digging my nails deep into my flesh For a treasure that was never buried Neither a time capsule for lost memories (Memories, which reappear as shadows every morning Like a cobweb over my eyes, gone in the next blink As I look up at the sun to confirm it’s a new day after all)
I keep moulding my form Sandpapering furiously the veneer of my vessel A glossed up eggshell a second away from breaking apart And I keep hitting the soil of my skin For the fresh splash From my fountain of worth
All the roots I had planted in me Are loosening into veins They’re dropping out in the strands of hair I shed I am rethinking all the words I have said Or forgot to say Scavenging for imprints inside my heart before it turns black Tomorrow when I look up at the sun All of this will be gone Perhaps.
II
The sun shines down through the skin of air I’m not the same vessel of thoughts The senses in me are swirling up I’ve learnt to feel, An acquired taste it is; I am so happily full of myself That you, a cynic, You, my past or my future, Cannot touch my hair I am here, I’m here, see! My heart is softly beating and my eyes are bright Today I am feathery brightness and glow Today I’m here And tomorrow I will be too.
A long time back when I was a rather ruthless child,
I found a scared baby sparrow in our balcony.
I harboured anger against them, the little chirpy birds
They stole and ate every flower bud that our plants gave birth to.
This little piece of feathery enemy sat there like a blob of confusion
And I decided to have some fun with it.
I meant to scare it a little
Have my revenge
Then feed it some puffed rice using tweezers
Until it learnt to fly and join its mafia gang of the flower-eaters.
I am being candid when I say
There was absolute malice in my smile
When I approached the tiny trembling bird
And shouted “SHOO” at it.
I knew it would be scared shitless
But ha! Where would it go, flightless little blob of feathery meat?
As I looked at it, basking in its helpless hazard, I saw-
It gathered all the strength it could conjure;
In a motion that was a mixture of rolling, running and gliding,
It moved through the gaps in the banisters of the balcony railing
And fell down two storeys
Straight to its death.
The evil smile that I had, turned into a gape of horror
What had I done?
It has been years since I killed the bird,
Yet it returns to me every time I’m in a room full of strangers
My first instinct being
To roll-glide-run
And plunge to death.
mimimusing 