A man who loves to read poetry Can be nothing like it A mother may not be a mother A promise, not secure. Anything can be any other thing So we say “usually” We say “of course, not always” They say, “statistically”. I say, “maybe It was the idea of you That sat on my heart Heavy” You were nothing like you. Was I at all like me?
He is a stick figure and he jumps around my room Screeching my name, he pokes my poker face rest What are you doing? Who will you be? What will you eat and who will you see? Stick boy, calm down My stick boy still jumps around He makes me a flower out of the poems I threw away Takes my sunglasses, mimics my anxious gaze. Stick boy, stop. I smile until I can’t but laugh I take his hand and we both jump Up and down Here, to there We go out of my room What are you doing? Who will you be? What will you eat and who will you see? When will you know who are you? Stick boy, I say How are you so invested in life? How do sad endings make your stick eyes cry? Meat girl, he speaks Life is all we have, all we can feel! We jump around some more till my feet hardens, hurt My stick boy sticks around With his sticky, lovely heart.
Halfway through the sentence I remember it was you Sweating on a terrible April Smiling as I spoke freely It was you that I poured into It was you I had known to love. Halfway through my promise to him I stop, abrupt. He thinks I’m overwhelmed Just like he is We kiss to make up for the uninvited gaps He doesn’t seem to care, at all I wrap around his life tighter, my words can’t suffice I try to speak but I keep going back To April, to the month I can never return to live To the time I flowered beliefs of everything lukewarm and joy I wish I could forget your voice He moves in his sleep, calls my name, so sweet. Why can’t I whisper back? My words –they are stuck again Stubborn and helpless, jumble of sounds Halfway through my life I stand shaking Somebody please let me out.
lights on their faces glow as their smiles wane; distance creeps up. don’t you know the difference between the love-word in your mother tongue and a casual iloveyousomuch? their hearts collect dust with every ticking second, i watch and i write and i watch again. come sit with me and see how it’s not a lie that love is beauty: breathing in and out, she wonders, would he understand? would he know what it meant to grow up like she did, would he see what it took? would he clutch her after the walls break down and she can’t see her soul, would he look for her shadowselves and hold her, pure and whole? would he love her (the substantial question) if he knew who she was? he stares at the keyboard, blank. he hates to think yet there he is. (the beat drops and the hero walks away from the explosion unscathed) he looks at himself marked by everything that has ever gone wrong. how much should he hide from her? would she understand if he doesn’t become, what he’d wanted to be? would she see how he holds his scattered self together, for her? would she soothe his pain, when he is surrounded by his plethora of well-wishers, feeling alone again? would she love him (the substantial question) if she knew who he wasn’t? sit with me as i watch and write with their faces alight. i’ll give you these words to remember me by.
I have always been this age, girls. Hasn’t my hair always been this long? Your skin always this honey warm And yours, butter soft? His face? Always impressive Beyond all right and wrong. I have always been inside this room Memories float, mirage I may be forgetful but there are souls I’ve touched Haven’t I? I didn’t keep a watch. Palls of déjà vu, I shudder How could this be true? I have always been inside this room, Stranger, How did I meet you?
He throws a ball at me I let it drop The birds sing for some time until the leaves turn dark It's been years, we've been apart His smile sits on his face Exactly as it was When I was in love with him a decade ago. I've never meant to be anything more But we still end up here Under the tree, our bicycles long gone He's proud of his wife, she's giving him a son I could show him the letters I wrote I could show him what he doesn't know Ah, it was too long ago. The night sky purples As I sit with him, our cigarettes lit He's still dribbling, talking about the friends we've lost Talking about how I haven't changed almost And I ask the moon, is this it? I've lied to my lover but I love him enough I'm tied to you, who would've broken my heart Who says it's been years we've stayed apart?
I don't love you I think about you all the time And in all my dreams you're never mine. Go away, and never come back. Until my tears exhaust themselves you make me cry What was in your skin when your palm brushed mine? Every second I know you Every second I've known you I'm made aware of this lack You know, right? You know my heart is water, it cannot hold? Or do you think it's frozen Icy and cold, to your touch? I wonder, how do you get me so attached, Dropping in my mind every time I sneak out the door? You've ruined me enough Not anymore. Go away, never come back I'm removing your cobweb words Erasing all our tracks In another life we might fit like a glove Not this time. Not this love. I don't love you, not enough.
I'll kill my body the way it kills me Slurp slash swing Sweet gore for no audience but me A boy's wet dream I spill out with my stretch marks My breasts are uneven Belly bulging softly, too much Hyenas of men paste their eyes, at will. I spend all day scrubbing them off Their tongues wagging for a sickly touch I should kill my urge to kill Unwanted eyes ungodly stares Unwanted men everywhere I sit frozen, still.
Are you happy or have you been ...? I ask you how you are but I don't want to listen I know you'll mould sound waves of sadness "I'm fine". Such cliche. So boring! Tell me you're happy And we can breathe Tell me you're sad And we can leave I shouldn't ask you questions, I know. I see you crying every night Newborn tears, so funny in the daylight Tell me you'll be okay and I can rest. Loving ourselves is by far the hardest I speak to myself so I can't disappear So, are you happy Or shedding tears?
1 Ease me, don't tease me Quantify your love aloud for buckets to fill Prodding my sharp doubts I incise into your soft corners But, if you don't appease me, who will? I soaked myself in rain Muddy glory, sensuous in petrichor spark Your breath seemed fresh when we kissed I buried my hand inside your lungs To throw out all the hurt, disease, You smoked into the air in rings Red. Love. Passion. Are you scared of my obsession? Alas, we had come so far. 2 I love you so much it breaks my heart into glass dust on the shore The music stops, suddenly I am so bone-haggard, alone, termite hollow and sick Bereft of you, my love, I waste away into dust I love you knowing you cannot return I sealed our fate as we sealed our lips Cold blues rippled on your face as I refused your kiss I hate you, I'd said, and you believed my words I'd pictured pain but it turned out worse. 3 Grieve the skin that has burnt in black New flesh takes over, you say Rapid and anxious Pink and glowing in health Won't you grieve what smoked and peeled? It was you, too Even if it was brief Skin cells now turned to dust, broomed away Such pain I must grieve the skin you'd set ablaze, So I can let it be replaced Can we not begin again?
mimimusing 