I hold myself back My lungs will shatter if I say I love you If you could see me crying every night For your sorrows Wouldn't you know? I hold myself back Like always Always I want to be so far away that Even the moon can't touch me Even the sun can't hurt me And then I wash away, lonely You walk away My love.
One day I gave you two stones to keep Then another one And I stopped. You said you'd build a castle For us to live in With playful curtains and hours of kisses Music stained walls Flowered garden and coloured windows You said we can have it all I thought we could, too I scoured the riverbed for more pebbles Keeping aside only two The ones which sang as they tinkled against my anklets I, the happy explorer, paused for some rest Floating like a moonclad lily in motherly waters I worshipped the god of love I danced till daybreak and slept like a child The fourth day we met You poured before me a sack of stones They were so beautiful You were so beautiful My eyes widened and shone Your little boy grin and our pile of stones We couldn't stop smiling, Our cheeks were alight with hope I dropped the two stones I had Our hillock rose by a hair's breadth I looked up at you and you were a changed man No longer the boy who matched my faith But a man I'd think twice before talking to. How incredibly our pillage of precious pebbles Turned to rubble Ashen and disgusting Cold and dull You looked at your watch I looked away Perhaps we had always known It was only a castle of sand You should not have held my hand, When I was meant to let you go.
I will preserve you like the sun preserves the brown in my hair May you need me like you do, forever Sometimes you jar me into an unthinking sorrow I doubt my heart, shrieking loud enough to pierce its walls When it unflowers and the veins are shed You appear again, awaken from the dead, Or perhaps from my very own self I do not need to know I hope you'll preserve me like a pearl inside a locket, too So that when my heart is rebuilt again Maybe a little less red this time I am still whole and soft like a mother's touch You're still a home, a haven, a shrine Even if I wander alone in fairs, concerts, cafés and malls Carve my way through dingy lanes Or get lost inside humongous halls I'll unload into you all my noise And we can make music Like we do, Like we'll do. We'll be preserved in touches unshaken Doors ajar, no tiptoeing around Our calm rejoicing in silence and sound We will keep it all Life will go, as it goes on We will go, as we must Yet we can't leave so we will stay Preserved in our love and trust.
Sunflower columns invade my windows I welcome them with broken bars My human grass in goosebumps, dancing Oh, the maddening beauty of this world Remember when we swore it’s pointless, Linked arms and drank away our hate? We lived in spite but ah well, my friend At least I’ve lived to see this day. It hurts sometimes, it hurts a lot You remember when you had thought of leaving So-and-so does this-or-that Our sunflowers droop and weep perhaps For unfinished memory to fill the gaps Of what we wanted the world to be The flowers are so wild today Shots fired within my hollow shell The flowers make me bloom, unruly My stoic heart is moved, it sways Where shall I go, through the windows unbarred? Dig beauty like golden soil unearthed? The world is so mesmerizing My melancholy swoons, declining I am just a girl in love.
Diamond wrinkles on her laugh-clad sweet face I'd burn to ashes for her in the furnace Keep me like a ring or a shoelace It's all so much the same How does she know what skin shakes me Laughter crackling like a melody A home that's lighting up under a pallid Christmas sky It's gifted, how we know our wishes Tragic when we can't fulfil them Longing, stargazing, endless questions "Why?" She shakes her head, she loves me mostly I can keep her like some poetry She will go to dance I smile and smile until my ribs crack Sadness swirling down my long back She leaves a forlorn man.
Loss is a four-letter word So is hope (and love and shit) Where am I going with this? I was looking at a man sipping tea It’s poetic, my life flashed past my eyes. A slow but steady train (Not really going against the grain) Leaving off passengers One By One. Some of them waited for the stops A few pulled the chain Abrupt in their leave. I think some of them are still on board. Where am I going with them, and Why are they going with me? I must come home before dark Before the lake spills over and the bridge crumbles into stones (The roads are never safe, anywhere, you know) The man sips his tea Maybe he’s thinking of his daughter back home Who must have a train of her own. Does she wander like me? Does she say, life is a four-letter word So she never has to talk about it? I keep looking as he takes another sip.
1 She's shaking in her teenage tears Life is waiting with its claws I'm looking, it's not perverse really Just breaking the fourth wall Instant gratification grips us Ten thousand kisses inside a group chat But the kisses are so small She's wondering where she can go wrong Sifting crowds for lessons to learn from It's scary and exciting, She is meant to fall I smirk at this, I'm such a cynic It's so clichéd, not even thrilling Keep crying, doll. 2 Where is the little man who fell in love with me? I was stuck with him, playing the lover Returning his kisses with my cold lips, barren I couldn’t love him as long as I was sober He didn’t complain once, not even a little. I needed to be the silhouette woman “She was too hard to keep” I laughed (and then cried) when I left him, When he said he needed me Where are you, my little man? With your songs and letters and eyes of sheep? Here I am, a little woman (surprise) But you have no more love to give.
I gaze at a man who never looks at me An amused grin hanging over his thin lips (Like a curtain I’m supposed to uncover) I lie down on the grass, counting my piecemeal joys Wondering if the day is over Sighing, nodding, humming a tune Waiting for my sacred moon He pays no attention while he smokes rings into the air I wish he were a gentleman with flowers He doesn’t look at me, yet Life is so unfair I’m sure he’s up to something He lectures at the empty sun but I catch his shy breath I look at him, for hours on end A nasty tiktok song stuck in my goddamn brain How long will it take for him To kiss me in the dusk? Before it’s too late, I might have to ask What did you mean when you hugged her What do you mean when you hold my hands? Look at me, face my eyes Or I’ll leave to look at another man.
Oh yellow child basking in my winter warmth
I spare you my coarse unhappiness
I'm all smiles, all laughter, all joy
Never meaning anything beyond the passage of time
Take my hand, we shall walk for now
The afternoon is dying around us
My yellow child of joy
I steal your kisses and save them in envelopes
My bookshelf smells of golden love now
Every other novel inside clasps your sweet nothings.
I feign reading the letters and dissolve into daydreaming
Of you, my yellow boy
We're not children
But oh, we are
There's nothing more innocent than my hand clumped in yours
We're running now, leaving houses and streetlights behind
We'll run away some day
I'll turn red in a distant shame
Our twilight beauty will melt everyone's hearts into water
At last, nothing else shall matter.
It was only a dream
You had only stopped once
A glance that asked, are you alright?
I could've stopped at no
But I spoke for ten minutes straight
Words gushing out of my lips
Making them busy
To forget that I can't kiss you, yet
A smile danced on your face
My complaints amused you, didn't they?
If it were a different city afternoon
A different sky
A different room and a different dress
I would've been angry
At a man laughing at a rambling woman
Instead I fell in love
How did I die for an insolent grin?
You made it worse
A light touch of your brown fingers
On my restless hands
You tried to stop me but you only made me race
I can't forget your face
I want to chew your brain alive
I want to wipe off your smirk with my lipstick
I want to grab your hair and shake you until you love me back
But it was only a dream, I promise,
And if you ask me if I'm alright
What can I do but say yes and smile?
mimimusing 