I pick all my soft moments and tuck them into a corner The rest of the room is buzzing with hurt. Sameness, autotuned lovebird voices, Horrible choice of food I bat no eye The soft times bubble in their corner And I poke them to their deaths. A little bit of warmth, a little lack of lying It would've been a cat I pet aggressively every day But all my softness is plucked out Shoulders relieved of what I didn't know was a burden. Tonight I dine with him, eavesdropping on the table to my left I am smiling to myself, Why bother sharing the joke? I eat a horrible dish and smile ear to ear, He thinks it's for him They think it's for them I am warm in my own softness curated for a war unforeseen My glass eyes stare back Impossible to read.
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In a silly slight of hand she unraveled A rather cruel joke. Why would you laugh at innocence? The sun sets on her ample curls I stare ahead Everything boils down to a harshness that bleeds my heart. She laughed at my wit I shudder now My womanly instincts are seldom wrong: Either I too am cruel Or the naive fool, Useless even to attempt to find out. I lower my eyes, I still find her there It's a sinking feeling, really, A wretched descent before my once-admiring eyes. I'd rather laugh with joy, or cry out of concern I'd rather be foolish and naive.
When your house is unlivable, And home corrupt You feed yourself enough information to Sit, talk and smile like the rest. A child grows up an empty shell An oversaturated sponge Every line he writes later in his forties Sleeping with his lonely wife Is an act of undoing. He smells of his father one day and learns not to hate it Frowns when the TV is too loud, like his mother did Like she does Perhaps. The sound doesn't reach him across states, And he sleeps with his lonely wife again In another unlivable house And another day in the office passes: He flirts with his colleagues and despises them somewhat Munching on politics and the crisis of the day He sits, talks and smiles Like the rest.
Ash, it's nothing but concrete, ground to micro bits Solid and useless No road not a dead end. It's nothing but ash. I held him in a dream a few years ago Arms fitting perfectly around his sweating back. My nose is married to that scent, I would know him anywhere, Given a chance. I'd like to think he is dead now Or someone entirely different Who smells of cologne or perfume or something more artificial I'd like to imagine him as a robot, alive and dead, And satisfactory for my script. He was all ashes in the end, And my chase was clumsy and unrewarding Yet my heart And my nose Grew. Tonight the rain falls and some of my hair has silkened into milk I am alone but wiser. For a moment I make the mistake of regretting.
I take a tender piece of art And eat it Stubborn chewing until it's all inside me Broken down and easy Until I let it consume me And I am no longer a woman who cannot feel. Sometimes I want to switch off the lights too early At other times the urge to wake up an old woman Who has lived a life Years of deep, devoted caring And cared for Is so strong that I remind myself my grandmother's bones are as hollow As her heart is full. If only I could give away my love freely Like a brilliant sunflower I know If only I didn't need to be loved back completely Precisely If not more, But I am younger than I feel and these years will have to be lived in Before they become a strong house of hardened bricks And weathered door-hinges. To love and be loved has to be taught and learned I am no sunflower I shy away from gold. On days that autopilot removes all warmth I bide my time until A sweet bite of two lovers embracing Or an old man and his cat And I am flushed again with my mortal joy To feel.
A headache that never subsides. Do you know stars explode? I'm at your feet Lean into my eyes, can you see? Not even a spark, yet I'm burnt out and split into so many women Choose any for the day. There will be no price, my love, please lean into my eyes If my limbs were strong I could sprint off To somewhere far away where I could be water Greening plants, birthing flowers and fruits I am at your feet, sorry, I am limp and unmoving A headache explodes in my recurring daydream Lean into my eyes and suck away its light Bury me into a darkness that can never show me Something that pulls out a sigh. Can you be timeless and old? I could love you forever. You can remember me as long as You want If you do. Before it all ends into a heap of wispy words Dry and dusty I will cry a river Coloured by the moon.
Did I love her like a student
Eating like treats every new thing she dropped on my lap
Or did I love her like a child
For the eternal questions she threw in my arms
Did I love her at all?
Could I have loved her if I didn’t know what it means to love?
I know I was perched on her shoulder
And she carried me with a smile as broad as her swath of hair
Did I love her like a fighter?
Years of walls I had broken
My walls
But I had no help breaking them, I fought,
My flabby arms are strong, in a way no one can know.
I loved her like a fighter, her arms were like the branches of a mother tree
I knew she held me even if I’was no more solid than a splash of water,
There was only a calm and a soft silence that I will not remember perhaps.
Did I love her like a puzzle
To my eyes she had gaps and I could never know more than what she told me
Or what I could assume
Did I love her without knowing if there was at all any room for me
In her life which I hope (I am sure) will be long
Outstanding
Bright and chaotic like a star
Did I love you then
Or do I love you only when I’m gone
Only afar?
If my skin was not so dry Your touch would possibly never flake away Dandruff-like, settling on the floor with dust Stepped on like memories that promised once to matter. I could have made you into a small pillow Carried under my arm and protected with all my might We would sleep against a mango tree My fingers curling around your hair Or the other way round In the sweetness of a hot Delhi afternoon I would have nibbled into your palm To remember you like a treat. If you asked, I would make a sculpture out of your arm That reaches around my shoulder Your narrow back and the ebb and flow Of tidal hair gurgling in a voice that only suits youth I would remember you in the shape of a fairy. If you needed to know, I would spell out The beauty of your poetry that slips out of your dark vignette How I hate your brilliance, blinded by your shadow How I nurture your follies and relish in your love. I could also write, if you insisted, on the sunlight of your dreams Of visions as clear as a freshwater lake On your blotless reason and selfless stretch of a heart. If you wondered about yourself I would teach you, my friend, You are so unmistakably yourself That I am pushed towards some envy And a whole lot of pride. But I am a small woman, with a smaller heart Rough patches of fabric on taut, hollow bones A blowed up box of pleasantries and Nothing inside. I would like to remember you Like the purr of a cat against my hesitant chest So that when the world ends in a nondescript accident Or in a celebrated glory Or whatever I remember the pleasure of a welcome guest.
Before we settled for a lie, He was curious. What made me unique? I could make him laugh in monosyllabic grunts He could make me less alone, Wanted, chased after, like the pathetic excuse of a bitch I was, I am, and I will be And don't fool yourself thinking you could never be me I was used to explaining my jokes But he made me explain my poem I am not sorry it wasn't about him, if I'm honest. To sound like a villain is not a crime But he meant nothing to me. Why would I lie? His voice was deep but his words were shallow His decision that I was smart (Unlike other girls) Was as funny as it could get. How else could I be unique? It was sad, but wasn't it funny? Yet I feel a bitterness turning inside me It is getting Outside the script Oh shit it's getting heavy.
The candle is burning out I've been spread like ash long ago This is not about that Don't worry I'll have a lifetime to mourn myself. The green of the trees slip some sun through them My friends shine so bright Each different like pebbles sifted from sand Round, sharp, smooth, whichever way you like My friends are here And will be till I forget what Time is supposed to say. There is no candle, there will be no darkness I will tell myself this. I will tell myself I will be this embraced This myself Forever But the candle is burning and the sun slipped through the leaves Because they're waving me goodbye A city's open arms and a home's enormous heart If I speak I will reduce it and end up slicing it all into puns This life happened (the past tense a stab) Like no other life could This love happened, for once.
